I went to a dark place today. My old journals. I read the words of a girl desperately crying out for life to end. For the torture to stop. It was like I was having a mid life crises from 23 to 27. That girl was so lost and her poetry was dark.

It makes me appreciate this beautiful life even more. That I made it through. A lot of what I read from my old journals was philosophical questions about the meaning of life and where I fit in. Many times I referred to myself as a speck in the grand scheme of things.

I look now at the life I’ve created for myself. And I am content. A lot of my old writing is also about wanting life to slow down. For the parties to end and something simpler be brought forth. That girl was drowning in self doubt and fear. It pained me to read some of the old passages because I don’t remember writing some of them and they get dark. But it helps me to understand life better and understand myself and how much better I am today. I’m not lost or scared. I’m not blaming anyone for hurting me or causing me pain and I’m not blaming myself either. I’m just letting it be. That was then this is now. I keep these journals because I want to always remember that girl and her thoughts on life so I don’t let history repeat itself.

There is a line in an Adam Lambert song, Runnin’, that says “I‘ve been standing here my whole life, everything I’ve seen twice. Now it’s time I realize, it’s spinning back around now. On this road I’m crawling, save me cause I’m falling.” And everything in my past, everything I wrote about in my journals echoes this. Everything bad happened twice. Like I hadn’t learned my lesson from it the first time. But I don’t think that’s what it was. Sometimes things have to be dismissed as bad luck. Not everything bad that happens to us is our fault. But our attitude towards it and how we deal is in our hands. No matter where life takes me I always say “you have all the answers inside you” and then I look deep and take action.

My life has had many ups and downs and I haven’t always been mentally stable, but I have come out the otherside a stronger person. And if possible, an even more loving person. And I will hold on to that.