I had yesterday and today off so I used it for some self reflection. Ever since Covid my life hasn’t been aligned. A lot happened my 7 day stay at the hospital. I was put back on medication and I still suffer from Covid brain fog. I was told at the hospital this could happen and there is no time line they can give me of when this will pass.

Since my psychosis was triggered by Covid I’ve had to relive many things from my past. It was hard as they all came flooding back in like a tidal wave and hit me hard. But I survived my psychosis and am happy to say I am once again delusion free. After five years of being delusion free it was hard being in the hospital again. It’s like it was 2017 again and my world was crashing down around me. I relived my trauma. Bouncing back has been hard and I’m leaning a lot on my partner for support.

I’ve cut back on Facebook and a few other social media sites and am now focused on my career development and my closest relationships. That’s what is important to me right now. And focusing on healing my mind and body.

These two days off have given me time to reflect on what’s truly important to me and all the things I’ve survived these 34 years of my life.

I’m passionate about a lot of things. I’m passionate about reading, writing, fashion, home decor, meditation and mindfulness. I’m passionate about love, loving and cultivating healthy relationships. And I’m passionate about listening to music and podcasts.

I no longer have the desire to go out and party. I’m happy with coffee and tea and a bookstore. Back to the simpler days when I was 20 and addicted to literature and my life at University.

I’ve decided I do not want children and I’m ok with that. I love kids but they are not part of my path in this life. My partner also doesn’t want children so this works out for us.

Sometimes it’s hard seeing the good in the world when there is so much bad surrounding us. But that is life and it’s hard. Harder for some.

I look around at my beautiful condo filled with literature and throw pillows, paintings I did on my own and warm blankets. I see the flowers that I bought three years ago still growing and I realize I am not the same person who moved in here five years ago. So much has changed in my life for the better. And my mom got through cancer and other family members got through their scares of sickness. I beat psychosis, anxiety, depression a back injury. I got back into meditation with my good friend Mira and gratitude. I found a career path that I finally can see sticking for the long run as long as I put in the hustle. And I finally started my memoir called Girl Talk. It’s going to be hard revisiting some areas of my life but if my story even helps one person my purpose in life will be fulfilled.

It’s funny because I’m thinking of the Billie Elish song Bad Guy and this idea that we all have a certain persona of ourselves in our head. Whether they be true or not it is who we believe we are. And I’ve learned that sticking with one persona isn’t always the real you. We are like onions with so many layers to peel back before we reach our core.

I’ve been the good guy, I’ve been the bad guy, I’ve been the peace keeper, I’ve been the employee, the manager, the daughter, the sister, the cousin, the niece, the golden girl, the saviour, the sun in the sky and the puddle on the floor. And I love all these layers. And as I peel them back I finally start to see the real me. Fractured.