The darkness surrounds me. On a bus home from work. I stare out the window. It’s 10 pm and there are no street lights. I think about how good it will feel to get into a warm bed and read a book. My headphones blare music. No one on the bus. Just me and the driver. Driving miss daisy.

Soon we have passed the darkest part of the road and I see buildings. Grocery stores, food chains, car dealer ships, gas stations, homes. Everyone living their life. Quietly getting into bed ready for rest. Someone gets on the bus and sits in the back. I look back at them and smile. No response. I turn and face the road. Even at this time of night there are cars. People heading home, heading to the bar, heading to a life I will never see.

I think about work. The long bus rides in the morning and at night. I think about my back injury. How even just sitting on the bus after a long day, I sit in pain. When will this pain stop? When will my life feel normal again? Late nights and some early mornings. No time for the gym, no time for reading, no time for me. No time for my family, no time for my relationship. Just 4 hours on a bus each day. I used to love this bus ride. I listened to podcasts, listened to my music. But it has caught up with me. I’m tired, I’m drained. I’m not myself.

I think to when I got Covid. The many visits to the emergency room and the brain fog that I am now left with. Is this me? I can’t focus, I can’t see. Is this me? The street lights blur together and I wonder when I will feel normal again. When will my life reflect my biggest dreams? What are those dreams? Do I even know anymore? Do I know what I like? What I don’t like? What I would even do if I had free time? Do I even still like the gym? Will I ever be fit again? Will I ever be able to have a short commute to work? Will I ever be able to consistently do a routine? Will I ever develop discipline? Will I ever find what my heart desires? Will I ever go back to that wide eyed little girl? Will I ever get over my traumas? Will I ever look in the mirror and like what I see? Will I ever live up to my own expectations? Will I ever get over my anxiety? Will I ever find peace?

Will I ever?