Something New
Something Old
Something Bold
Something Fun
Something Frivolous
Something Special
Something you have not seen
Something you want to give
Something you want to receive
Something you want to say
Something you want to do
Just Something
Something New
Something Old
Something Bold
Something Fun
Something Frivolous
Something Special
Something you have not seen
Something you want to give
Something you want to receive
Something you want to say
Something you want to do
Just Something
Sex… love… lust
A piece of me
Joy… peace… intimacy
A piece of me
Heart….soul… God
A piece of me
Grace… loss… sadness
A piece of me
Pages… paper… pen
A piece of me
Take a piece of me
And keep me in your pocket
When times get rough
Put that piece in your heart
And I’ll put you back together again
Like a puzzle
Like a wordsearch
I will find you
And show you
My heart
Hard things come
Hard things go
Try your best
Live your life
Do the things that light you up
See the people who bring you joy
Love yourself
Love others
Live with intention
Follow your dreams
Accomplish big things
Be grateful for this life
Cherish everyday
Make time for some play
Rule the world
Little girl
This is where I come to braindump. The poems that I think of, the rambles that I have. But it’s hard to come and be so open online. I did it once in the past and then panicked. I wrote out my feelings in a long post and a number of posts that followed. And I just couldn’t keep my blogs anymore because they were triggering psychosis… delusional thinking. What I wrote wasn’t delusions but what I thought would happen because I wrote those posts were delusions or “intrusive” thoughts.
So how can I be real with you right now? I’ve been thinking about the past a lot this week. Probably because I had a lot of idle time while I was recovering from being sick. And I think that everything had to happen the way it did to get me here and to give me the idea for my next book Psychosis and Me. I think it’s going to be interesting for people to get into my mind. What I was thinking while I was delusional and things I did. It’s a memoir of sorts. I’m really excited to write this book and I realized I wouldn’t be able to if this hadn’t happen to me.
I remember when I got to the hospital January 2017 and they were convinced I was on drugs. They took blood and realized I wasn’t on anything I was just sick. I was delusional and scared of everything. It was a weird state to be in. But I hope my book helps people understand a little bit about psychosis and mental illness. And I hope people with psychosis read it. My therapist told me maybe one day I would write a book that will help people feel seen who have been through this. I plan to send her a copy. Maybe they will distribute it at the hospital programs I was in. It’s exciting to think about. It definitely made life hard. It definitely made life interesting. And I’m a new person because of it. I found my way back to myself through psychosis.
I’ve lived through a lot of things. And I plan on sharing this one piece of me with you. I’ll share the book here when it’s done. I hope you like it!
You wake up
Sun streaming through the window
Curtains just a crack open
You take a breath in
Turn off your alarm
Another day
You get up and stretch
Coffee brewing
A sweet aroma fills the room
You smile and sit at the table
You sip your coffee in silence
Thinking of things you are grateful for
Calm
At peace
You take out your journal
Or maybe 5
And write out your morning thoughts
Your affirmations
Your dreams
And you brush and floss
Wash your face
Do your makeup
And smile in the mirror
Looking at the reflection
You see beauty
You are happy
Smiling
And you realize
You want to feel this way
Your whole life
Confidence
Happiness
Calmness
Relaxed
And you realize
This is you
And you don’t know when
But you’ve arrived
To where you thought you dreamed of
Just yesterday
Lazing on a beach chair
Reading a book
Thinking about life
The dreams you have
The promises you made to yourself
And you know
You can come through for yourself
You can step up to the plate
And change your life
Because you deserve
A beautiful life
Who is THAT GIRL?
She is you
Appreciating each day
Living each day
Doing the things that make you grow
Noticing the little things to be grateful for
Who is THAT GIRL?
She is me at the gym working out
She is me writing
She is me journaling
She is me walking
She is me relaxing
She is me in a hot bubble bath
She is me reading… in bed, on the couch, on the beach, in a coffee shop, at the park
THAT GIRL IS ME
THAT GIRL IS US
THAT GIRL
We can all be THAT GIRL
Through authenticity
Through leaning in
Through loving your life
Through generosity
Through gratitude
Be YOU
Be HER
The quiet magic of my day
Silence surrounding me
I sip my tea
I think of you
I sip my tea
I hear the oceans waves
I sip my tea
I ponder life
I sip my tea
In the silence of the night
Alone
In a quiet room
Thoughts are still
Memory is deep
And soon I will drift
Off to sleep
Pain
Pain makes you stronger
Pain makes you resilient
Pain is a part of life
I’ve come to like pain
I’ve come to appreciate pain
I’ve come to realize
I can overcome pain
I’ve come to realize
Pain isn’t the end
No pain, no gain
I sat for months in pain
Injured back
No movement
Just me
And pain
And tears
And it made new pain more tolerable
It made me realize I can tolerate a lot of pain
I can push through the pain
And come out the other side stronger
I push through the tough workouts
I push through the physical aches
And I live
Stronger
Happier
More resilient
And that pain
That I had to endure
Made me brilliant
Snowflakes
Changing Leaves
Budding Flowers
Birds and Bees
Soft wind blowing
Through the trees
Orchids
Tulips
Dandelions
Morning Dew
Sunrise
Day break
Start anew
So a lot of my posts lately have been about self improvement, self love, choosing yourself. It’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately since I’ve been focusing on my goals for 2025. So my question is do you choose yourself? Do you take the necessary steps to become the person you know you are deep down?
There is this song Devil Inside by CRMNL. It is about all of us having a little bit of evil inside “tearing you apart in the middle of the night.” I like this song because to me it unites us all. We all have made mistakes. We all have regrets. But they don’t have to dictate who you can be now or in the future. You can become a different person, a better person. You can make a list of the values you want to embody and then move forward living in this new way. Change is a part of life. And if we aren’t changing then we aren’t growing. I don’t want to be the same person at 40 as I was at 25. Not to say you can’t start over. If you want to change your career or change your path at 40 that doesn’t make you a failure. To me that makes you brave. You know the life you made isn’t working for you anymore and you take the steps to become the person you now want to be.
I’ve made many mistakes in my life. And I could sit in bed and cry about them or be stubborn and stay stuck in my old ways. Stay stuck in my old belief system that this is who I am and nothing can change that. The truth is YOU can change that. You have the power to change your life everyday by just taking one small step. Whatever that step is for you depends on the life you secretly dream of for yourself. At 36 I’m back at the person I was at 17. I said that on one of my other blogs. But that doesn’t mean I’m the same naive person and unexperienced person. It just means I re-realized my dreams. I reconnected with that younger version of myself and found there was a lot to love about her. And I wanted to bring some of that back into my current reality. I try and channel her. Her energy, her aura, her light. And she was me… she is me. So that energy has always been within me.
I’m not afraid to look at my past and say hey that isn’t the way I want to live now. That isn’t who I am at my core. I made bad decisions… I went through some hard times… I hurt people… I was hurt by people… but I can live better today. I can be THAT GIRL. And for me THAT GIRL is the person that I envisioned myself becoming when I was 17. Maybe that picture is a little bit different now. There are new goals to be added, lessons I learned that changed my perspective. But the overall arching theme of being loving to myself and to others and being authentic and not letting peoples opinions affect me is really what I want for myself. Journaling, working out, meditating, reading… these are things I’ve done my whole life. Maybe not always consistently but they are things that are important to me. Writing for myself, on my blogs, writing a novel… these are things I always saw myself doing. And sometimes that devil inside comes up. I have a negative thought… I’m angry about something… I’m remembering something from the past. But the difference is I turn inwards to my light and change what I’m thinking. I live in love. And it is really beautiful.