I had yesterday and today off so I used it for some self reflection. Ever since Covid my life hasn’t been aligned. A lot happened my 7 day stay at the hospital. I was put back on medication and I still suffer from Covid brain fog. I was told at the hospital this could happen and there is no time line they can give me of when this will pass.

Since my psychosis was triggered by Covid I’ve had to relive many things from my past. It was hard as they all came flooding back in like a tidal wave and hit me hard. But I survived my psychosis and am happy to say I am once again delusion free. After five years of being delusion free it was hard being in the hospital again. It’s like it was 2017 again and my world was crashing down around me. I relived my trauma. Bouncing back has been hard and I’m leaning a lot on my partner for support.

I’ve cut back on Facebook and a few other social media sites and am now focused on my career development and my closest relationships. That’s what is important to me right now. And focusing on healing my mind and body.

These two days off have given me time to reflect on what’s truly important to me and all the things I’ve survived these 34 years of my life.

I’m passionate about a lot of things. I’m passionate about reading, writing, fashion, home decor, meditation and mindfulness. I’m passionate about love, loving and cultivating healthy relationships. And I’m passionate about listening to music and podcasts.

I no longer have the desire to go out and party. I’m happy with coffee and tea and a bookstore. Back to the simpler days when I was 20 and addicted to literature and my life at University.

I’ve decided I do not want children and I’m ok with that. I love kids but they are not part of my path in this life. My partner also doesn’t want children so this works out for us.

Sometimes it’s hard seeing the good in the world when there is so much bad surrounding us. But that is life and it’s hard. Harder for some.

I look around at my beautiful condo filled with literature and throw pillows, paintings I did on my own and warm blankets. I see the flowers that I bought three years ago still growing and I realize I am not the same person who moved in here five years ago. So much has changed in my life for the better. And my mom got through cancer and other family members got through their scares of sickness. I beat psychosis, anxiety, depression a back injury. I got back into meditation with my good friend Mira and gratitude. I found a career path that I finally can see sticking for the long run as long as I put in the hustle. And I finally started my memoir called Girl Talk. It’s going to be hard revisiting some areas of my life but if my story even helps one person my purpose in life will be fulfilled.

It’s funny because I’m thinking of the Billie Elish song Bad Guy and this idea that we all have a certain persona of ourselves in our head. Whether they be true or not it is who we believe we are. And I’ve learned that sticking with one persona isn’t always the real you. We are like onions with so many layers to peel back before we reach our core.

I’ve been the good guy, I’ve been the bad guy, I’ve been the peace keeper, I’ve been the employee, the manager, the daughter, the sister, the cousin, the niece, the golden girl, the saviour, the sun in the sky and the puddle on the floor. And I love all these layers. And as I peel them back I finally start to see the real me. Fractured.

I went to a dark place today. My old journals. I read the words of a girl desperately crying out for life to end. For the torture to stop. It was like I was having a mid life crises from 23 to 27. That girl was so lost and her poetry was dark.

It makes me appreciate this beautiful life even more. That I made it through. A lot of what I read from my old journals was philosophical questions about the meaning of life and where I fit in. Many times I referred to myself as a speck in the grand scheme of things.

I look now at the life I’ve created for myself. And I am content. A lot of my old writing is also about wanting life to slow down. For the parties to end and something simpler be brought forth. That girl was drowning in self doubt and fear. It pained me to read some of the old passages because I don’t remember writing some of them and they get dark. But it helps me to understand life better and understand myself and how much better I am today. I’m not lost or scared. I’m not blaming anyone for hurting me or causing me pain and I’m not blaming myself either. I’m just letting it be. That was then this is now. I keep these journals because I want to always remember that girl and her thoughts on life so I don’t let history repeat itself.

There is a line in an Adam Lambert song, Runnin’, that says “I‘ve been standing here my whole life, everything I’ve seen twice. Now it’s time I realize, it’s spinning back around now. On this road I’m crawling, save me cause I’m falling.” And everything in my past, everything I wrote about in my journals echoes this. Everything bad happened twice. Like I hadn’t learned my lesson from it the first time. But I don’t think that’s what it was. Sometimes things have to be dismissed as bad luck. Not everything bad that happens to us is our fault. But our attitude towards it and how we deal is in our hands. No matter where life takes me I always say “you have all the answers inside you” and then I look deep and take action.

My life has had many ups and downs and I haven’t always been mentally stable, but I have come out the otherside a stronger person. And if possible, an even more loving person. And I will hold on to that.

Today is my day off and I did the normal stuff you do when you are off. I ate breakfast had a coffee, put away laundry, cleaned the bathrooms, did some dishes and loaded the dishwasher. Then I decided to go through my makeup bags and found some makeup I forgot about. I found lip liners, eye shadow colours I forgot about and a bunch of lipstick. I then played around with some of the makeup doing different styles on my eyes to practice which I haven’t done in a while. I used to wear eyeliner and eyeshadow all the time. In High School I was in to darker colour eyeshadow. I wore black, dark grey, dark blue. Now I’m into more neutrals, browns, light pinks. Sometimes a little bit of sparkle is nice too.

I feel like I’ve been super busy these past few days. It was Black Friday and the store was busier then usual. I like when I’m running around and the day passes quicker.

Now that I’m done the housework I think I’ll read and have a honey lemon tea. When my partner gets home we have dinner plans that I’m excited for. I love our date nights.

It’s hard when our schedules don’t align. The past two weeks we haven’t had time off together so we make the best of the few hours before bed we have together. He’s off this New Year’s so it’ll be nice to spend those days with him celebrating.

There is so much always running through my mind of things I want to accomplish. But today I just want to relax and have a nice evening with Leith. I’ve turned off my running thoughts through a brief meditation and now I will journal before I settle in my comfy chair to read.

I feel inspired today by my younger self. She persevered through all her struggles for so long and kept a smile on. It all came crashing down when I was diagnosed with psychosis but that isn’t what I want to focus on tonight. I want to focus on my fashion sense as a twenty something. I always pulled myself together beautifully when I was healthy. I still have all those clothes they just don’t fit my new body. I am coming back to the fashion world a different person.

I have so many heels that I can’t wear right now due to a back injury. I have these velvet knee high stiletto boots that I had fixed hoping someday I can wear them again.

I am going to go out looking for some leather knee high boots because that has always been part of my wardrobe and my old pairs are to far gone to take to the shoe maker.

Right now my shoe fashion is mainly sneakers and shoe boots. Even the shoe boots cause me back pain. But I’m working on filling my closet with looks that will last through time and really reflect all the changes I’ve made in my life.

I work at Reitmans a company I love and really love the message they are sending to women. Some stores I used to shop at in my twenties I can no longer shop at because their clothes don’t fit my body type anymore and it’s been hard to wrap my head around that.

As I slowly lose more and more weight I feel my energy levels rising to what they used to be when I was younger. That magic is coming back to my life. That childish romanticism and love of life. When I’m taking lots of pictures and singing songs out of the blue I know I’m in a good place because I’m loving life and lavishing in everything wonderful about the world. Beauty in nature, in people, in clothing. I’ve just been so aware recently of the beauty in life itself. Everything seems new and exciting. Work, my love life, my friendships, my city all look different in the 5:00 darkness. And I’m loving it.

An old friend of mine posted on Instagram something that made me think. She posted about how she shares all her yoga pictures and outings with her partner but what we don’t see is her sometimes crippling anxiety and her chronic pain that sometimes makes it hard to get out of bed.

Social media is the idealized version of all our lives. But this isn’t news. There are so many self help articles on why social media is bad for our mental health. That’s why the accounts I follow are all book accounts, art accounts, thinkers and some famous people I don’t mind following.

I follow 7,500 people on social media and I barely look at their pages. I don’t know who these people are. Most were suggested to me through instagrams algorithm. Since I’m writing a novel and I know social media presence is important when trying to be brought on by a publisher I follow as many people as possible. It’s funny though, I barely scroll through my feed. There are certain people that I check in on because their content has a positive affect on me but other then that I have no clue who I follow.

I love seeing the book aesthetic and art. I’m drawn to these accounts and those are the accounts that are advertised to me.

I deleted all my social media and decided to focus on Instagram. I have three Instagram accounts that are half for fun and half to help me when it comes to publishing my novel.

My bookstagram is my favourite page. I also have an inspiring quotes page and a fashion page. I am no fashionista. I wear simple clothes but I always wanted to have a fashion page after reading Anna Wintour’s quote “I’m also interested in seeing just the girl on the street because she is unlike any other. I’m inspired by whatever it is she might be wearing.” We are all that girl on the street. We all like different styles and colour patterns. We like different textures and patterns. I just want to showcase for fun what I wear everyday even if it’s simple. I’m one of those girls on the street. And it makes me think more about my wardrobe and how to inspire customers to style themselves. It’s just something I’ve always thought about. I look in the mirror and want everything to reflect who I am on the inside and wardrobe can help with that.

For years I was subscribed to Elle magazine and Canada’s Fashion magazine. I unsubscribed because magazines now are mostly filled with advertising. But I always wanted to feel good in what I’m wearing and to share that even when they aren’t from luxury stores is important to show people wherever you shop whatever your budget is you can look and feel good about yourself.

I live with chronic pain. Daily my back acts up on me and by the end of the day I’m in varying amounts of pain. My right leg has nerve damage so my toes burn and I get pain in my calf, knee. My muscles in my back hurt for varying reasons but I don’t let it ruin my life. Some nights are harder then others but overall I’m happy with the life I’m living and the path I’m on.

I have many interests but decided to focus on the three that bring me the most joy, books, inspiring words and fashion. I don’t have a state of the art camera and I don’t take artsy pictures. I take simple selfies and simple book stacks using my condo and furniture as the back drop because this is my world I’m in everyday, my life and sharing part of that, how simple it is I hope will inspire people who aren’t happy because their life isn’t luxurious. Iced Tea or Lemonade on your porch or in the backyard can be luxurious. Tea on your couch can be cozy like a winter getaway. In these economic times with inflation and war prices are skyrocketing so knowing how to make the simple luxurious is important. Practicing gratitude daily is important to focus on the good in your life. We are still in a global pandemic no matter how you look at it people are still getting sick. So much is happening in the world right now that focusing on all this negative will bring you down, stress you out, give you anxiety. People are trying to keep food on the table. Companies are still trying to stay afloat in this new landscape. Yet here I am having a luxurious night in with my partner. Watching our stories and drinking honey lemon teas cozied up on the couch. Like there is nothing wrong in the world.

I’m about to read in bed while my partner falls asleep beside me. We went to my sister’s house today to celebrate my mom’s birthday. It was nice being with the family and chatting around the dinner table.

We came home and watched Supernatural on Amazon Prime. I haven’t been watching much tv so this was a nice change of pace.

Weirdly I’ve been very aware of how rooms are lit this week. When the lighting is more soft, golden and romantic I immediately take notice and feel calm.

And of course… I fell asleep while writing this last night. So here I am Sunday afternoon after a relaxing bath writing to you. Or writing to myself.

I found a book on one of my shelves today called Vanity Fair’s Women on Women. I forgot I had this title ( as goes for most of my books since I have 800+ books in the condo) now I’m excited to read this book that I’m trying to finish my current read faster. Can you believe a book called Cafe by the Sea and I’m 100 pages in and there is still no cafe by the sea! What gives?

Today for me is all about relaxation and less technology. I’ve been monitoring my social media use and I’m down to averaging 20 minutes a day on Instagram. At one point I was down to 12 minutes but because I started a new page the average has increased.

There is another book I have called 24/6 and it’s about unplugging for one day a week. I hope to read this book in the next few months.

I’m headed to put up decorations around the condo for Christmas and then that word I love… relax.

As I write this, I lay on my couch with the lamp on illuminating the room with its golden glow. My partner, Leith is in bed which is right beside me on the other side of the wall. He works 12 hour shifts doing security so he’s usually pretty tired on the days he works.

It is our first weekend off together in a while. I get one full weekend off a month and he gets every other weekend off. Our schedules usually align but after this weekend the next two weeks we don’t have time off together.

I’ve become friends with an older woman who works cash at the McDonald’s by my second bus stop to get to work. We chatted a few weeks ago about our partners. She’s been married for 45 years and her and her husband have the same type of relationship as my partner and I. She said they have opposite schedules,but the time they spend together is so special and that is always how I feel about my time with Leith.

It’s funny because the other night we had such a nice evening together. I made tea and we lay on the couch watching a movie together. The room was toasty from the heater and Leith rubbed my feet as we watched the movie. It was so simple yet it’s stuck in my mind. I want more cozy nights like this with him this winter. Something about that night was so romantic in my mind. We had the lamp on which gives the room a romantic feel and the heat was so warm I was relaxed and cozy.

Usually on my bus ride to and from work I’ve been listening to music. But yesterday I did not bring my headphones with me,I wanted a different experience. I read a few chapters of my book and then I watched the trees go by out the window letting my mind wander wherever it felt like going. And it went to the other night with Leith. My gratitude practice came into play because I started thanking the universe at that moment for all the good things in my life. And Leith is a part of that. I love him so much it’s crazy.

Today on the ride to and from work I listened to podcasts by Jay Shetty and Lewis Howes. Both these men inspire me to be a better person and to want more from my life. Today, two topics that stood out to me were meditation and forgiveness. I need to start my meditation practice again because it went out the window ever since I had Covid. I’ve been trying to recover. The brain fog I’ve had for months is finally seeming to subside a bit.

The other topic, forgiveness, made me think of all the things I’ve forgiven myself for and others. I’ve never found it hard to forgive other people for doing me wrong, but I always find it hard to forgive myself. It’s only the past 3 years that I’ve mastered the art of forgiving myself. I always forgive people because we are all human and make mistakes. I find compassion and kindness are important to me. In the past I’ve been really hard on myself when I haven’t lived up to the standards and values I’ve set for myself in life. I always want to be kind and compassionate. The podcast I listened to today says that compassion isn’t about other people, it’s about yourself and how you show up in the world. It’s affect on other people is just a bonus. I want you to know if you ever did me wrong reader no matter how badly, I’ve already forgiven you. I doubt that anybody who wronged me is reading this but I want to put it out there in the universe that everyone is forgiven. And know that if I wronged you I definitely beat myself up over it but I’ve finally forgiven myself whether you have forgiven me or not. To me forgiveness is also for ourselves and not others. For our own peace of mind.

As I’m almost done writing this post soon I’ll be cuddled up on the couch with my current read: The Cafe by the Sea. I’ll be drinking the honey lemon tea I just brewed. Somehow even the mundane things make me romanticize my life. I feel like this is the perfect night in with myself. Lately everything just seems so romantic to me. And that’s how I like it.

I am currently soaking in a hot bath filled with Lavender Pure Epsom Salt. I ended up with two days off work. My back was acting up yesterday so I had to cancel my shift and make an emergency Physio appointment. The muscles in my back and legs don’t work as they used to. Because I was all twisted and bent over for about 6 months my body is out of whack. My left lumbar muscles over extend themselves because they think they have to activate with every move I make so they are working and over extending leading to pain. I have to retrain my muscles to relax when they aren’t needed. This will take core work and a lot of stretching to loosen them up.

Today was a scheduled day off and since my back was feeling better I did the usual cleaning, grocery shopping with my partner. When we got home I made a honey lemon tea and we sat on the couch. He wrote while I daydreamed and sipped my tea.

I’ve been thinking about camping lately since I’ve seen a lot of tents lately in local parks. I believe these are homeless people from the city trying to find shelter. There are clothes and bags all over the grass outside the tents. It reminds me of the one and only time I went semi-camping with my ex. Someone had a house party out in Windsor and we stayed overnight in a tent on the large piece of land. But it poured rain and the tent broke. We got soaked through. We tried to fix the tent in the rain with no luck. I never went camping again.

I would however camp on a beach by the water. That seems dreamy to me. Even if we end up sleeping with sand everywhere.

I’m more of a cottage life girl. My parents have a cottage in Orillia, Ontario on the lake and I love spending summer days by the water with a book. My dad also takes us on boat rides and used to take us tubing and water skiing when we were younger. I’m still terrified of wasps but I love being in nature. Walking through a park or forest area always brings me peace (unless there is a wasp).

I’ve been thinking about the cottage too. I only went up once this year because my schedule was crazy. I hope to get up there more next summer. One day I would love to retire in a place like our cottage. Somewhere by the water with trees. Or maybe get a condo on the beach in St. Martin… a girl can dream.

Today is my day off. I did the usual chores and cleaning. My parents stopped by for a coffee and now I’m alone. I put away the rest of the laundry and now I’m left to do with the rest of my day as I please.

I’m almost done the book I’ve been reading: this is not the end of me. It follows the final years in the life of a stage 4 cancer patient… it’s a true story. I wanted to finish the book last night but I found myself crying at some of the passages and needed to take a breather. I only have 20 pages left so I will finish it now.

I’ve been thinking about what I want to read next and I browsed through my library of unread books. I found one: The Cafe by the Sea. I’ve been wanting to switch back to light fiction for a while now so this book is perfect. Also, I’ve been dreaming about my times by the ocean and sitting by the water sipping tea, or pink lemonade (my favourite) or a coffee.

I hope this next book transports me to the water. And hopefully next year I can take a vacation that will bring me to the ocean side on the beach or at a cafe. I’ve been longing for the ocean since my last trip in 2018. It will soon come.

When I think about fashion I have this memory of 13 year old me at the mall wanting to shop at limited. I had some nice tops from there but I desperately wanted this skin tight pink dress that was clearly to be worn out clubbing. My mom said I was to young for the dress. I remember shopping at Le Chateau’s Junior section and at Smart Set and Dynamite. Those were my favourite stores.

When I was in University I got hired at Le Chateau as inventory specialist. The school was on strike so I was working full time in the backroom processing stock. I became close with the merchandiser and loved her job. When I switched positions to style specialist I loved putting together outfits for customers and for myself. I became friends with our DSM and with the girls who came in monthly to change our window displays.

This was when I really thought maybe I’d want a career in fashion working at the head office on floor layouts and the company look book.

When I left Le Chateau I didn’t think about a career in fashion for many years. I finished my degree in English and started looking for office jobs when I graduated.

When I sat down last year to really think about what I wanted from my career since my experience was so eclectic I went back over every job I have ever worked. What I liked what I didn’t like and I knew there were two industries that I was interested the most in: fashion and books.

I am now Assistant Store Manager at the Newmarket retail store Reitmans. This brand is everything I love about fashion and body positivity. My wardrobe is almost all Reitmans now. I also have some pieces from Winners and Melanie Lyne.

I’ve always been addicted to clothes but I hated shopping. I had to be in the mood. I like going to a store, knowing my size and not having to try anything on.

In my early twenties I shopped mostly at Dynamite and Urban Behaviour. But as I get older and my style changes, so do the stores I like to shop at. Reitmans I started shopping at in my late 20’s and early 30’s. As my body changes I find that their style and fit still works for my body and that’s why I love it.

I promised myself I would only work at stores that I would actually shop at for myself.

I love Reitmans and I plan on sharing all my outfits even from other stores as well.

Today I was at my parents house and my mom gave me some of her old fall sweaters from the 80’s which I’m in love with. I plan on sharing these looks on the fashion page of this blogs which you can find at the top left in the menu feature. As well as on my new fashion Instagram page the_girl_in_the_street17.

I hope some of my everyday looks will inspire you and feel free to share your looks with me too!