It’s funny to think about my old high school email address. My girlfriend Natalie came up with it: voluptuous_vanessa17@hotmail.com. She came up with voluptuous Vanessa. I added the 17 because it’s literally my favourite number.

It’s funny to think about this because at the time I weighed only 117 pounds. I was not voluptuous at all. Now I look at my body and voluptuous is the word to describe it. I always thought my old email address sounded so sexy. I loved it.

So why 17. My fascination with this number stems from Buffy. Buffy loses her virginity on her 17th birthday with Angel, her soulmate who’s a vampire. After I saw this episode in season 2 I longed to be 17. I knew 17 would be a pivotal age. And it was. I had my first real kiss at 17 and I came across the quote “you have all the answers inside you” which has been my guiding light.

When Buffy turned 17 Angel gave her a Claddagh ring (the ring comprises of three symbolic elements, and each has its own meaning . A crowned heart held by two hands. Symbolically, the heart represents love, the crown denotes loyalty, and the hands are a sign of friendship.) Ever since then I was obsessed with this ring. One of my previous partners bought me this ring as a promise ring. Even though we aren’t together I still have the ring… because… Buffy!

I feel light hearted today and happy. Thinking about being 17 always makes me feel young again. And at 34 I’m still a spring chicken.

When I started researching the significance of numbers I found out about Angel numbers. “Angel Number 17 indicates that your angels want you to know that you are on the ‘right path’ on your life’s journey.” Every time I see the number 17 I think of my Nonna. She is my guiding light. And I think of a boy I knew who died at 17. I was 13 at the time and had a crush on him.

17 in numerology symbolizes new beginnings. That is why my old blog was Everyday_Thoughts17, because everyday is a new beginning. I now have a quotstagram every_day_thoughts17. Know that when you see the number 17 in your daily life, your angels are watching over you. At least that is what I like to believe.

I’m on my morning bus ride to work. I see the same faces as usual and I smile and wave. That’s about as much acknowledgment we give each other. It’s all women on the bus with me. Sleepy faces looking out the window into the dark morning.

As the days go on the mornings get darker. The sun rises while I’m on the bus which means when I’m scheduled to open the store I work at, Reitmans, I get to watch the sun come up. I rise with the Roosters.

As I sip my thermos of coffee I’m thinking about my career and where I want to be in 5 years time. I’m hoping to work my way up to store manager, I’m currently the assistant manager. The main focus of my job is to keep the store up to visual standards. Head-office sends us a visual layout of the store and my job is to implement it and tweak it when needed to fit the store. I’m still in the process of learning, I love everyday at my job and I have a great team of women I work with.

My commute to work is an hour and a half so I have a lot of time to think. I’m usually listening to music and the type of music always depends on my mood. Right now I’m listening to my Women’s Power playlist on Spotify bouncing around in my seat on the bus. At this point when I reach mid Richmond Hill there is no one else on the bus with me. So I drink my coffee and look out the window.

The skyline is red and purple right now and the leaves are red and yellow dangling from the branches and colouring the grass. I love Fall. Crisp morning air filling my lungs and beautiful scenery.

I’m taking it all in.

I am a woman. I was born a woman and identify as a woman. That’s how this story starts. With a woman who’s been through a lot, just like everybody else.

I’ve had many blogs over the years. A poetry blog, a blog which was a novel, a self help blog, a blog on life as a girl, a blog on women, a blog which was used as my diary. I still have access to the last three but I’ve made them private for my own personal viewing.

I don’t know what I want from my urge to write. Some days my mind is blank. This is partly due to medication and partly due to brain fog likely caused by Long Covid.

All I do know is I like writing and not about one specific thing. So this blog will be my junk drawer, where I throw all my thoughts and just see what happens. I don’t need readers, I don’t need validation, I just need a blog and me.

Blogging comes so naturally to me because I’ve done it for so many years. And it’s important for me to have one. Something inside always compels me to start fresh. Well this is my blank slate. My new start.

I live with back issues and mental health issues. I live with trauma. But the most important thing I live with is love. And that word LOVE is something I hold on to. Something I breathe. I haven’t always acted in love but it is my main ambition to always be loving even when it’s hard. I can do hard things. You can do hard things. I sit in bed tonight with back pain. Usually as the day goes on my pain increases now that I’m trying to stay away from over the counter pain relief. And it’s hard. But I’m doing it.

I quit drinking on January 21st 2017 and it actually wasn’t hard. For the longest time after quitting I didn’t think about alcohol. I had more important things to worry about like my diagnosis of psychosis and the panic attacks and anxiety that came with recovery. But now I think about it sometimes. What it would be like to have a cold beer. So I’ve ordered the alcohol free beer and depending on the brand it tastes almost the same.

I’ve lost 80 pounds since last October and counting. It was hard and still is hard. It’s hard to lose weight with a back injury. It’s hard to lose weight on a medication that basically brings your metabolism to a halt. I remember looking in the mirror and wondering what happened to me. Sometimes I got on the scale and I would cry. But… I can do hard things and I started meditating on loving my body. My whole life my weight has fluctuated. But it was in 2020 that the number on the scale sky rocketed and actually scared me. It scared me because I knew how unhealthy I was and all the health risks that come with being obese. I didn’t need my doctor to tell me, I’ve read plenty of books on the subject.

In 2017 I wrote most of my sex life online during my recovery from psychosis. I was still partially sick when I wrote the stories of my life. I don’t regret it because I finally spoke my truth. Everything that was bottled up inside me for 27 years came out. Everything I wrote was true but as the days went on and the posts got 900+ views I had a panic attack and deleted everything. All of my blogs, all of my social media. And I stayed gone for a while because I needed it.

I fancy myself a writer and even a sex writer. I’m not famous because of my writing and I’m fine with that. I just love to do it. One day maybe I’ll write my autobiography and everyone will see the crazy life I’ve lived through. And maybe someone will write me like they did with my other blogs telling me about their crazy life too and we will laugh.

I’m going to be 35 next year and I’m happy about that. I like getting older and seeing how my life changes with time. Every birthday I reflect on my life and where I’m at and if I’m truly living authentically and in line with my values. I’ve always done this but some years in my late twenties when I was sick or with an abusive partner it seemed to depress me. I knew I wasn’t living the way I wanted and I knew part of it was because I was scared to do anything about it.

In my life I’ve had 4 long term relationships (long term meaning more than a year). One five year relationship, one one year relationship, one one year and six months and the current relationship I’m in which will be five years this coming February. These relationships have greatly impacted the person I have become. I wouldn’t be me without them. I have had many flings and crushes over the years but my current partner is so special. And he is the first partner that I’ve been completely honest with about my past right from the beginning. As I write this he sits in the other room watching “his stories” as he calls his favourite tv shows. I have to be up at 5am for work tomorrow so this ramble will have to end soon. But what I’m trying to tell myself is that I’m okay. I’ve come this far, we all have. And tomorrow is a fresh start.