Happily Ever Woman

Happily Ever Woman

by Vanessa Nicole ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

The looking glass

Staring back at me

Brown eyes

Curved lines

A world of wonder

And of heartbreak

Laugh lines fading

Pushing the limits

Living in an endless circle

Of grief

Of joy

Of regret

Of love

Of loathing

The sound of a piano

Ringing in my ears

Waiting for you to change your mind

Waiting for the angels to bring you home

Back into my life

Where you belong

Love blesses me everyday

But your absence

Makes my heart slowly fade away

Missing you

Missing me

The person I was meant to be

The person I see in my minds eye

The one you wanted me to be

But I couldn’t

I could just be me

And sometimes

It doesn’t feel good enough

Sometimes the tears fill my eyes

And I see that girl

The perfectly nice girl

The perfectly spoken girl

The one in white

No red splattered on her dress

No mascara running down her face

Who was that girl?

Where did she go?

Was she ever real?

Is this version of her even real?

The clock ticks away

The days grow shorter

The nights blacker

And I feel the keys beneath my fingers

Not knowing what to say

Not knowing how to change

Not knowing how to turn back time

Turn back the clocks

To when you were here

Taking me to the movies

Cooking Sunday dinners

Telling me I’m beautiful

And my heart beats

At the gym I feel alive

I listen to that song

You know the one

And I know you are cheering me on

Pushing me to become that girl

The one I was meant to be

But I tell you now

Anxiety rests in my bed

Anxiety is all over my head

Trying to forget

Trying to forgive

Trying to live

For me

The words are on the tip of my tongue

And yet they fade away

The fade away

When will it be my time

To fade away

Make my exit

Into the grey

Hands on my chest

Giving myself grace

Remembering

I am the spell

I AM THE SPELL

Words have power

Words help us create

Help us heal

Help us find what we want

And what we need

Words help us to succeed

So my words tonight

Are thank you

And I love you’s

And I need you’s

My words are

I am fine

I am life

I am happy

I am thriving

I am resilient

I am love

I am abundance

I am me

I am the spell

Forgiveness has come and gone

Left here in this song

The song I sing for you

The melody that plays in my ears

The one I still listen to

After all these years

And the words flow through me

Like a river to the sea

Love blesses me

Happily Ever Woman

Happily Ever Woman

by Vanessa Nicole ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I am the spell

I am peace and love

I am abundance and joy

I am an early riser

I am a friend

I am a daughter

I am strong

I am strong willed

I am capable of great things

I am capable of changing my life

I am the one who makes things happen

I am a hard worker

I am energized

I am the spell

I am a garden

I am life itself

I am happy

I am adventurous

I am calm

I am rich

I am becoming the woman I never knew I dreamed of

I am the spell

Happily Ever Woman

Happily Ever Woman

by Vanessa Nicole ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

The darkness surrounds me. On a bus home from work. I stare out the window. It’s 10 pm and there are no street lights. I think about how good it will feel to get into a warm bed and read a book. My headphones blare music. No one on the bus. Just me and the driver. Driving miss daisy.

Soon we have passed the darkest part of the road and I see buildings. Grocery stores, food chains, car dealer ships, gas stations, homes. Everyone living their life. Quietly getting into bed ready for rest. Someone gets on the bus and sits in the back. I look back at them and smile. No response. I turn and face the road. Even at this time of night there are cars. People heading home, heading to the bar, heading to a life I will never see.

I think about work. The long bus rides in the morning and at night. I think about my back injury. How even just sitting on the bus after a long day, I sit in pain. When will this pain stop? When will my life feel normal again? Late nights and some early mornings. No time for the gym, no time for reading, no time for me. No time for my family, no time for my relationship. Just 4 hours on a bus each day. I used to love this bus ride. I listened to podcasts, listened to my music. But it has caught up with me. I’m tired, I’m drained. I’m not myself.

I think to when I got Covid. The many visits to the emergency room and the brain fog that I am now left with. Is this me? I can’t focus, I can’t see. Is this me? The street lights blur together and I wonder when I will feel normal again. When will my life reflect my biggest dreams? What are those dreams? Do I even know anymore? Do I know what I like? What I don’t like? What I would even do if I had free time? Do I even still like the gym? Will I ever be fit again? Will I ever be able to have a short commute to work? Will I ever be able to consistently do a routine? Will I ever develop discipline? Will I ever find what my heart desires? Will I ever go back to that wide eyed little girl? Will I ever get over my traumas? Will I ever look in the mirror and like what I see? Will I ever live up to my own expectations? Will I ever get over my anxiety? Will I ever find peace?

Will I ever?

Happily Ever Woman

Happily Ever Woman

by Vanessa Nicole ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

So today I made a quiet pact with myself to read all of my online writing. So far I’ve made it through all the posts on this blog and on my diary blog Tea With V . I think I needed a reminder of all the good things and good days I had written about. Yes some of the posts include hard times when I was going through anxiety but there are also many posts about high energy and happiness and nights in with my partner.

As I sit at my kitchen table in my little wellness centre, I feel that today has brought me closer to the woman I am becoming. Because I went through all those posts and saw the person I am and what I think about on a daily basis. Yes my past haunts me some days and yes my anxiety got out of control the past few months. But here I am smiling and grateful that today was a great day.

What made it great was that it was a productive day. I got housework done, I watched a movie, I did my skin care routine, I made time for blogging and I made time to reflect on everything I have ever written in the past 6 years.

Tonight I will spend time reading my other two blogs (I have four blogs in total) and just really reflect on where I was then and where I am now. I do the same thing with my social media accounts. I look through the posts and pictures and really take in the beauty that is my life. We spend so much time looking at other people’s lives and seeing their perfectly curated feed. We need to look at our own. Our feeds only show the good times in life so when you need a boost, don’t look through other people’s feeds. Look through your own. To remind you of the picture worthy days of your own life.

I had a rough month of anxiety but I took time today to forget about that and look back at all the moments that have made my life instagramable! And I will continute to reflect in the future. It takes the load of my shoulders and reminds me why I should romanticize my life everyday.

Happily Ever Woman

Happily Ever Woman

by Vanessa Nicole ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

The days pass me by and I observe. My anxiety is high over things easy and mundane. I do not understand the way I feel. I sit at home and my mind spins out. Thinking about what is to come and what I am to become. The path seems foggy and I do not know which way to go or where it will lead. Sometimes I sit there thinking is this it? A life filled with anxiety is ahead of me. But then I remind myself I am stronger than my anxiety. I can push through. I am resilient.

I am sometimes frozen by my past. I think back and feel anxious. What do people think of me. Why can’t I bring that old vibrant me back. Why do I live with this anxiety? Sometimes it’s a hard pill to swallow. Other days, like today, I feel carefree and happy. I see a glimpse of the old me and I get excited. I cook a roast and I write on my blogs. I kiss my partner and my heart skips a beat. That is today. And then I think: today is a good day. And instead of enjoying it I think to tomorrow and hope that it will too be a good day. But I need to practice mindfulness and be happy in the moment. I need to remember who I am and what I love. I need to remember that I am a loveable person and I am worthy and enough.

It’s ok that I romanticize my life. It is how I enjoy the pleasures and the mundane. Sometimes I find the humdrum of life hard and in comes the self doubt. But I am smart and capable. I am strong and resilient. I can be disciplined if I put my mind to it. Life isn’t just about frolicking in flowers but also about rolling around in the mud. That’s the part that sometimes is hard for me. The rolling. But I am getting better at it. And sometimes when I’m frolicking in the flowers I see wasps and I run screaming like a little girl.

Today I make a pact with myself to push through the mud and find the flowers in the everyday. I can’t sit on the corner of my couch filled with anxiety seeing everything that might go wrong in life. When everything right now is perfect. Perfect relationships. Perfect home. Perfect job. Perfect life. Maybe that’s the problem. Perfect is not the word to use. Nothing is perfect. And aiming for perfection will only bring you sorrow. It’s ok to be mediocre. It’s ok to live a mundane life. I yearn for the quiet nights on the couch with my books. I yearn for the moments I finally have something to say and come to my blogs.

I used to yearn for the pub. I wanted my beer after a long days work. Now I yearn for tea. I yearned for the loud music and the dancing, now I yearn for quiet and a coffee shop. I’m no longer the person I once was and that is scary and intimidating. I have tried to be her. I go to the pub and order an alcohol free beer. But it’s not the same. It’s loud and full of drunk people who I don’t resonate with. I’ve been sober for 6 years and it was the easiest decision I ever made. Sometimes I’ll have an alcohol free wine at a party but it’s not a big deal to me. I thought it would be. But I much prefer my flavoured teas like an old english woman at high tea.

So as I sit here I don’t dwell on the past or expect of the future I just let myself be. And now I must remove the roast from the oven and live my mediocre life.

Happily Ever Woman

Happily Ever Woman

by Vanessa Nicole ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

My old notebooks hold a lot of poetry I have written. Some were written by the ocean in St. Martin. Some were written lakeside at my parents cottage in Orillia, Ontario. Some were written in the early hours of the morning when my mind was running and words were spilling out. I’m turning 35 in May and one of my goals for the year is to write and read more poetry. I have always loved poetry and I mention on my blogs a lot about that fact. I bought a few poetry books from Indigo which I plan to read this year. Usually it only takes me an hour or two to get through poetry books. But the words stay with me long after. Rupi Kaur is inspiring to me becaue she made it in the world of literature with poetry when most poets go unpublished.

I can’t wait to pick up these poetry books and read the words while listening to instrumental music. It makes me feel like I’m living in the victorian age or the renaissance. Rupi Kaur has a guided journal that gives you prompts to ponder and then write poems about. I’ve done a few of these and published some on this blog. This blog is meant to be where I dump all my random thoughts or feelings. A lot of times for me that comes out in poetry. Whether my poems are good or bad don’t really phase me. It’s the stream of conciousness writing that I love. Just putting on paper whatever comes to my head. Sometimes they rhyme. Sometimes the sentences are mysterious and only I would be able to intrepret the meaning. Sometimes they go on for pages. I have some poems in my journal that go on for 10 pages. I feel like I was trying to write an epic poem.

I look forward to sharing the poems I write with the Rupi Kaur prompts here. Some of them may be dark because a lot of the prompts ask you to think about trauma’s. The book is supposed to help you heal through words. I feel like it is a great way to understand and work through the thoughts I am left with after my episode of psychosis in August 2022. This was the second episode I’ve had brought on by Covid. My first episode was in 2017 (started in 2016 diagnosed 2017). I am mostly better now but sometimes working through some of the disturbing images and thoughts I had just helps me to feel more mentally well. I am glad to say that this second time around I again was the one to realize I was sick. I am a very self aware person and I make it a priority to always be thinking about how I’m feeling, what kind of thoughts I’m having. That’s why I love my poetry because even when it is cryptic I know exactly what I was thinking reading back the words.

Happily Ever Woman

Happily Ever Woman

by Vanessa Nicole ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

It’s funny that I’ve been sitting around pondering life today. It’s funny because I went to my favourite Youtuber Simply Victoria who is significantly younger than me and she is thinking of the same things. How to better plan her day. She runs us by her morning routine and that’s exactly what I’ve been trying to do. Streamline my life to make it simple but it seems like I can never have simple moment because of my anxiety. Yet when I sit to do my gratitude journal I realize my life is filled with all the simple moments I’ve asked the universe for. I can sit here on my day off with a cup of tea reading about how to streamline my life and that in itself is a simple moment. Soon I will run a bath and do a deep conditioning face mask. That is simple. And simple seems to be something I just fell upon by changing my job and my daily tasks.

Yes, I have resposibilities and chores. I have to pay bills and clean the house. But these things don’t seem stressful to me. I just do them. The anxiety I have all lays in my past and that is gone. It shaped the person I am today and I am grateful for that. Also, cutting coffee out of my routine seems to have ridden me of the anxiety I just need to find a way to be less drowsy in the morning. I believe that will come with time.

Victoria always says to keep it simple and that is going to be my new affirmation for the week. Simple is the best way to live in my opinion. I think it’s the best way to keep a healthy mind. So that’s my words for you today: Keep it simple.

Happily Ever Woman

Happily Ever Woman

by Vanessa Nicole ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I had started this blog with the idea that it would be a place for all my musings along with my fashion posts. But I recently left the fashion industry and went back to the health industry (I worked in this industry 2013-2014). My fashion posts won’t be as frequent but it is still something that I am deeply interested in. Not the runway fashion, but I like looking at what people on the street are wearing. It was such a difference going downtown Toronto today and seeing the fashion down there. Most girls are still wearing Mom jeans and I don’t understand why because they give the body no shape. Crop tops are in now that the weather is getting warmer, but even when I was thinner I never got into the trend.

I’ve worked in the fashion industry at retail level in three different stores. I worked at Le Chateau, The Shoe Company and Reitmans. I loved seeing the new styles and colours that were coming in and always had to have the latest look. But recently I did a clean out of my closet and donated 4 garbage bags filled to the brim of clothes. When I took stock of my closet I realized without even knowing it I had aged myself with the clothes I was choosing to wear and this was because of the size of my body. I wanted to hide in my clothes. Also, the fashion that is available to heavier women is not the same as slimmer women. Plus some of the trends are catered to a slimmer body type. Now that I’ve lost some weight I got rid of the aging pieces and really only kept clothes that reflect my personal style. I love wearing blouses wit skinny jeans or dress pants. I love wearing tank blouses with thin sweaters. I have one pair of flare jeans that I love. I’m so happy flare is coming back in because I just love how they look on me.

Even though I’ve left the fashion industry I still have love for it. It was a hard decision to make to leave my job because I loved my team and I loved the clothes but it just wasn’t working for me. The commute was 2-2 1/2 hours one way. I felt drained from long days and had no life of my own. I was so burnt out and feeling tired made me anxious. I was also still suffering from Covid brain fog which made it difficult for me to function normally. I took a week off after leaving before I started job searching. I wanted something close to home that had a short commute and was in an industry that I am interested in. This new job is a five minute bus ride away or a 20 minute walk. It’s in the health and wellness industry which has always been a passion of mine. I like being surrounded by products I support and would personally use. I’ve started some of the supplements I am selling at work and I really see a change in my energy level, chronic pain levels and just overall mood.

Now that my closet is cleaned out I need to work on my dressers. That is the next clean out project. I can actually see what clothes I own now and there is room for the hangers. Before the hangers were on top of each other and every other day I was breaking hangers trying to get tops out of the closet. I also have so many purses but there are none I want to get rid of. I love having a big bag to carry my books, my day planner and anything else I need. I also recently bought a little book to keep in my purse for daily musings. Sometimes I get blog ideas but by the time I get home I’ve forgotten them because I had no where to write them down. I used to always carry a notebook with me for this reason.

It’s funny that I have all these nice clothes but I wear a uniform to work now. I like that I have a uniform because it means one less thing to worry about in the morning. My outfits can be saved for special occasions and nights or days on the town. My friend Fil keeps saying she is excited for this chapter of my life. And I love that. How she looks at life as separate chapters. If you have a bad chapter you just move on to the next one as best you can. Being a reader this way of looking at life makes sense to me and resonates with how I view life. Maybe one day I’ll write a memoir and my life really will be in chapters.

Happily Ever Woman

Happily Ever Woman

by Vanessa Nicole ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I think my love of poetry arose in grade 7 when we were given a poetry project. We each created a miniature book of poems. My mom had sat down at the kitchen table and helped me with the project. I remember getting an A on the assignement and I was happy. When I was introduced to Shakespeare’s Sonnets in high school I fell in love even more. A few months back I went to a used book store and found a copy of all the Sonnets. I had specifically went looking for the collection as I haven’t read them all. This lead me to go looking for other poetry books to add to my library as I’ve missed reading and writing poetry.

In the early 2000’s I had a blog titled Everyday Thoughts. More often than not I would be writing poetry late into the night. I always had a muse or a thought that would turn into the words on the page. Sometimes they were long rambling poems and sometimes they were short and sweet. But I absolutely loved the process of letting the words fall out of me onto the page. I would re-read my ramblings and know exactly how I was feeling at the time no matter how many years passed. It’s been refreshing on this blog to explore that part of me. I’m a little rusty but with time and practice I believe the passion will come through as it used to.

Poetry is a beautiful form of self expression. There are so many bloggers that share their poetry and I love reading it. Trying to feel the feelings they are expressing. That’s why I love music. To me it’s a form of poetry. I listen to a song not only for the beat, I really listen to the words and see what resonates with me. I have my old favourites that bring me back to younger years. And I’m always discovering new music that shows me different aspects of myself.

I look forward to this year of poetry. Reading and writing it.

Happily Ever Woman

Happily Ever Woman

by Vanessa Nicole ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Lights spinning around

My feet firmly twirling on the ground

A feeling that this moment will never end

Blurred vision

People moving their bodies

Brush up against me

Lightly

And I lose control

You are watching me

I go all out

Dance across the grass

On my tip toes

Sun on my face

I fall to the ground

I look up to the blue sky

I see flashing lights

A memory

Of lonely nights

On the couch I look over

As you sit smiling to yourself

And our eyes lock

The feeling of love surrounds

And I know

I’m not alone