It’s been a long time since I’ve read other blogs on WordPress. My old favourites all seem to have been deleted.

I plan on searching the platform to see if there are any new blogs for me to get into. Blogging is not as popular as it was in the early 2000’s. TikTok and Instagram have taken over the scene.

But coming to WordPress always brings joy to me. I see that I’ve put a piece of myself into the world that will always be here for me to look back on.

Happily Ever Woman is a blog I created just for myself. Blogging has been a part of my life for so long that I don’t see myself giving it up.

I’m reading a Chicken Soup for the Soul book titled Be You. It contains stories of women searching for themselves and understanding what authenticity means and individuality.

When Covid hit I lost a lot of my love for life. I was in lockdown not working and I became depressed. When some people thrived during Covid doing at home workouts and learning new skills I lost myself. I gained weight. I stopped reading, I stopped working out. I couldn’t see family or friends. I didn’t think it would hit me so hard and part of me is still in that isolated state. I don’t have the energy I did before Covid. And in August 2022 I contracted Covid and ended up in the hospital. My body and brain still haven’t fully recovered. But then something happened.

A few weeks ago my boyfriend showed me a video all about a Dopamine Detox. For two weeks I stayed off social media and limited my screen time including tv. I read so many more books and started journaling again. Started doing word searches again and going for walks. I just felt a little part of me come back to life and I plan on finding more things that bring me to life.

I started a new job a few weeks ago which is closer to home. I’ve walked to and from work and it feels great to be able to do that. Spring is coming and I look forward to more adventures into my own authentic self.

So WordPress went and changed the app we use to maintain our blogs. The new app is called Jetpack and I actually really like it.

One feature which I love is the writing prompt feature. Everyday there is a new writing prompt to follow to spark inspiration.

Today’s question was what Is something nobody understands. The theme that came to my mind right away was death.

I’ve written a lot on death over the years. Those of you who have followed my blogging career know that the passing of my Nonna was one of the hardest things I’ve been through.

None of us understand death really. I mean we understand how it works. But we don’t really understand why it has to be that way.

It makes sense that species die to prevent over population, for evolution. But is there more to it? Is there really a spirit world and an afterlife. Is there any meaning? These are the questions philosophers have asked over the centuries.

Sometimes I think about the idea of soul contracts. How each of our souls have made contracts with other souls to have a human experience. Everything that happens in our life has already been mapped out and the people we meet and experiences we have were predetermined. The belief is you can still veer off the path due to free will rejecting experiences with other souls. Since we don’t have memory of these contracts we don’t know what experiences we have forfeited. That’s why meditation and mindfulness are important to get in tune with your spiritual self.

This is just a theory. We don’t know if this is truth and to say we truly understand life and death is to miss the point.

I believe life is about creating, growing and exploring the world and experiences. We may never know the truth but there is that saying that life is the journey not the destination.

When my mom was diagnosed with Cancer in 2020 the theme of death came back into our lives. It looked over us. And I had to face reality that one day my parents won’t be here anymore and face the idea of navigating life without them in it everyday.

None of us like thinking about this reality and I think we don’t even really realize it can happen to us at any time.

I cherish all of my relationships and it’s my goal to be fully present with the people I love so our time together isn’t wasted.

In December 2020 my mom beat Cancer. They are still monitoring her but I am so blessed to have more time with her. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for my family to be gone. None of us are.

Rupi Kaur has a new journal out which contains different prompts to think on and then write poetry or journal entries on the topic.

I have been enjoying this book. The last prompt I did was an image of a person blowing out a candle. The prompt asked to reflect on what we saw in the image but I ended up writing about all the feelings that came up while looking at the image.

Candles remind me of calm, romance and birthdays. I remember trying to blow out trick candles at my 6th birthday. You would blow them out and they would just come back! So fascinating at the time.

I remember nights where my partner and I turned off all the lights in the condo and sat by candle light, talking and reading.

Sometimes you just have to be reminded of these simple things to feel calm and balanced and joyful.

I’m enjoying seeing where these writing prompts take me. And will share more here.

Leith (my partner) and I decided to do a Dopamine detox. What does this mean? It means the things that we do that keep us distracted and in a dopamine circle we cut cold Turkey. Social media, binging Netflix, sugar. Anything that leaves you scrolling or sedentary for hours on end. I am on day five and so far it hasn’t been to hard. I did find myself thoughtlessly clicking on the apps but caught myself and quickly exited.

I’ve started a new job at a health store. I’m learning about all the supplements and vitamins. Pre-workouts. It’s so interesting and starting this job marks a turning point in my life. I’m focused on wellness and my mental health.

After reading a book about discipline I feel inspired and motivated to follow this path to wellness. The dopamine detox is just the start. I’m doing this detox for two weeks. Then I will be focusing on diet and then physical movement.

So what have I been doing with my time on this detox? I’ve been reading, self care. I went to my sisters over the weekend and we went for a long walk with the dogs and spent time connecting.

This detox does allow for some tv time. Just limited to and hour or two a day at the most. I’m off today so I’ve been reading and I tidied the house. My workout today was dancing to my favourite songs. I danced hard and worked up a sweat.

I am also limiting my caffeine intake. So only one or two cups of coffee. The rest of the day is water or the herbal teas I’ve invested in. I picked up an awakening tea from work. It is minty with some mixed greens. It’s like waking up in a forest.

I also now swear by lavender powder at 7pm to relax and prepare for sleep. It relaxes the body and calms you down from the stresses of the day.

I am one who loves social media. I had cut my screen time down to 20 minutes a day but I thought this detox would just reinforce the good habits I have acquired around social media. I still love social media to stay connected and share my books, quotes, anything to inspire happiness, gratitude and calm. I just wanted to limit the scrolling rabbit hole we seem to get ourselves in.

Now I plan on journaling and doing a new gratitude word search I picked up from Indigo. Wishing you inspiration, happiness and wellness.

The crack in the centre of my mind comes out in waves

The crack is actually a hole where all the bad stuff lives

The crack is in the shape of a circle right over my heart and chest

The crack emits frequencies that seem to have repeated in my life

The crack is my worry and trauma

The crack sometimes paralyzes me and I feel it in my chest and between my brow

The crack is in the deepest part of me

And I don’t know how to close it

I turn the page

Feel the rush

Word by word

I begin to blush

Flooding my heart

Inspiration

Love

And I grab it by the tail

Pull it towards me

Through me

And I am renewed

Something I’ve been waiting for

Fairy Dust

Strong glue

To hold my hand

Write the words

I am like a bird

High above I see the landscape

Stories untold

And my heart takes hold

Flutters

Like the wings of a butterfly

And suddenly I realize

I am high

On life

I had yesterday and today off so I used it for some self reflection. Ever since Covid my life hasn’t been aligned. A lot happened my 7 day stay at the hospital. I was put back on medication and I still suffer from Covid brain fog. I was told at the hospital this could happen and there is no time line they can give me of when this will pass.

Since my psychosis was triggered by Covid I’ve had to relive many things from my past. It was hard as they all came flooding back in like a tidal wave and hit me hard. But I survived my psychosis and am happy to say I am once again delusion free. After five years of being delusion free it was hard being in the hospital again. It’s like it was 2017 again and my world was crashing down around me. I relived my trauma. Bouncing back has been hard and I’m leaning a lot on my partner for support.

I’ve cut back on Facebook and a few other social media sites and am now focused on my career development and my closest relationships. That’s what is important to me right now. And focusing on healing my mind and body.

These two days off have given me time to reflect on what’s truly important to me and all the things I’ve survived these 34 years of my life.

I’m passionate about a lot of things. I’m passionate about reading, writing, fashion, home decor, meditation and mindfulness. I’m passionate about love, loving and cultivating healthy relationships. And I’m passionate about listening to music and podcasts.

I no longer have the desire to go out and party. I’m happy with coffee and tea and a bookstore. Back to the simpler days when I was 20 and addicted to literature and my life at University.

I’ve decided I do not want children and I’m ok with that. I love kids but they are not part of my path in this life. My partner also doesn’t want children so this works out for us.

Sometimes it’s hard seeing the good in the world when there is so much bad surrounding us. But that is life and it’s hard. Harder for some.

I look around at my beautiful condo filled with literature and throw pillows, paintings I did on my own and warm blankets. I see the flowers that I bought three years ago still growing and I realize I am not the same person who moved in here five years ago. So much has changed in my life for the better. And my mom got through cancer and other family members got through their scares of sickness. I beat psychosis, anxiety, depression a back injury. I got back into meditation with my good friend Mira and gratitude. I found a career path that I finally can see sticking for the long run as long as I put in the hustle. And I finally started my memoir called Girl Talk. It’s going to be hard revisiting some areas of my life but if my story even helps one person my purpose in life will be fulfilled.

It’s funny because I’m thinking of the Billie Elish song Bad Guy and this idea that we all have a certain persona of ourselves in our head. Whether they be true or not it is who we believe we are. And I’ve learned that sticking with one persona isn’t always the real you. We are like onions with so many layers to peel back before we reach our core.

I’ve been the good guy, I’ve been the bad guy, I’ve been the peace keeper, I’ve been the employee, the manager, the daughter, the sister, the cousin, the niece, the golden girl, the saviour, the sun in the sky and the puddle on the floor. And I love all these layers. And as I peel them back I finally start to see the real me. Fractured.

I went to a dark place today. My old journals. I read the words of a girl desperately crying out for life to end. For the torture to stop. It was like I was having a mid life crises from 23 to 27. That girl was so lost and her poetry was dark.

It makes me appreciate this beautiful life even more. That I made it through. A lot of what I read from my old journals was philosophical questions about the meaning of life and where I fit in. Many times I referred to myself as a speck in the grand scheme of things.

I look now at the life I’ve created for myself. And I am content. A lot of my old writing is also about wanting life to slow down. For the parties to end and something simpler be brought forth. That girl was drowning in self doubt and fear. It pained me to read some of the old passages because I don’t remember writing some of them and they get dark. But it helps me to understand life better and understand myself and how much better I am today. I’m not lost or scared. I’m not blaming anyone for hurting me or causing me pain and I’m not blaming myself either. I’m just letting it be. That was then this is now. I keep these journals because I want to always remember that girl and her thoughts on life so I don’t let history repeat itself.

There is a line in an Adam Lambert song, Runnin’, that says “I‘ve been standing here my whole life, everything I’ve seen twice. Now it’s time I realize, it’s spinning back around now. On this road I’m crawling, save me cause I’m falling.” And everything in my past, everything I wrote about in my journals echoes this. Everything bad happened twice. Like I hadn’t learned my lesson from it the first time. But I don’t think that’s what it was. Sometimes things have to be dismissed as bad luck. Not everything bad that happens to us is our fault. But our attitude towards it and how we deal is in our hands. No matter where life takes me I always say “you have all the answers inside you” and then I look deep and take action.

My life has had many ups and downs and I haven’t always been mentally stable, but I have come out the otherside a stronger person. And if possible, an even more loving person. And I will hold on to that.