Music has been a big part of my life. I collected CD’s when I was in high school and would blare my favourite songs throughout the house. In the morning before school my alarm was set to Kiss 92.5 and I would wake up dancing to whatever tune was playing. I used to bring my walkman everywhere with me and then my Ipod. Nowadays it’s my Spotify account. I’ve made and saved so many of my favourite songs and playlists. Lately I’ve been listening to songs about strength. I like to listen to them while I work out at the gym. It helps me to focus on my goal of building muscle and becoming strong again. It also reminds me of all the things I have overcome. You never know what life is going to throw at you or how it will break you. But each time I’ve stood up and put on a tune to get through the day.

I have to be careful with music. Sometimes certain songs trigger my anxiety. A song that I used to play when I was younger or that has content about overcoming life’s obstacles. It is triggering. OR at least it used to be. I’ve read a lot about mindfulness and mastering your mind. I feel like I’m getting better at controling my mind. Staying in a positive mindset no matter what the circumstances. I know we hear a lot about toxic positivity. That’s not the kind of positivity I’m talking about. I can acknowledge when something sucks and when I have negative feelings. I take time to process them and feel them. And then list down all the things that I have to be grateful for and remind myself that I can get through hard things and that life doesn’t suck forever.

Right now while I’m writing I’m listening to Taylor Swift, her song Fearless. That’s how I want to approach life. Fearless. Her song is about being fearless in a relationship. That’s how I’ve been in my current relationship. I’ve been the most open and vulnerable I have ever been in my life. It will be 7 years in February and I am still crazy in love and romatcizing my life with my partner. Music is a big part of that. So many songs speak the words that I’m feeling. And I love listening to them and just feeling overjoyed with love.

Then there are songs that are about breakups. The end of relationships. I love breakup songs. There is just so much emotion in them, especially Taylor Swift. That emotion is so pure and I can relate. Life is full of emotion and I love songs that can express that. It’s relateable. That’s why Taylor Swift is so big. Her music is relateable. It may not be emotions I’m feeling right in the moment. But being 20 and being devestated is something I can relate to. Yet I’m not sad or heartbroken when I listen to these songs. I am happy. And I sing along. It’s like a part of me is being released and I can breathe again. I will be 37 in May. So I’m a long way of from my 20 year old self. But I still feel her sometimes. Inside me. Listening to love songs and longing for a fairytale. Writing her little heart out on her blogs and in her journals. I’ve been a nerd my whole life and I love it <3. When I was younger I had a love hate relationship with my nerdy hobbies. I loved blogging and writing and school. But I also wanted guys to relate to me and I felt that a lot of times I wasn’t cool enough for them. But being cool is overrated. I’d rather be my authentic self writing and listening to love songs and dancing around my condo like a 20 year old.

I was listening to a speech from Jordan Peterson the other day and he talks about how you can be stupid at 25 but it’s not as charming in your 30’s. He said that if you are in the same place at 30 as you were at 20 (all potential no life lessons) that you are just a big infant and it’s not cute. But what if you did the thing you wanted to in your 20’s, you pursued your dream and it didn’t turn out the way you thought. Now you have to pivot at 30 and maybe enter a field or do something that you are a beginner at. You are entering that thing with all potential and no knowledge. Is that a bad thing? Shouldn’t we be able to pivot in life and be a beginner? Just because you are starting over at 30 doesn’t mean you have failed at life. And just because you aren’t living the life that everyone else is living or wanting doesn’t make you a failure. Not everyone lives for the same milestones, the American dream. Some of us have different dreams for our life. And I think it’s important to keep that childlike spark in you. It’s what gives you the strength to pivot and have a growth mindset and live the life you want. Not the life other people told you you should live. So listen to that playlist from when you were 20 and dreaming. Bring back that energy you had when you were 20. I think that this childlike energy keeps you young and mentally sharp.

When I’m 40 I hope I have the energy of my 20 year old self. When I’m 40 I hope I’ve mastered my mental state and am still able to dream. I hope life hasn’t worn me out and made me bitter. There is so much I could be bitter about, but I won’t let that happen. I will show up with energy and an open mind. I will know that there is always more to learn no matter how old you are. You will never know everything. And that’s ok. We aren’t meant to know everything. We aren’t meant to be good at everything. But that childlike spark, that potential… hold on to it.