Tag: blogging

Happily Ever Woman

Happily Ever Woman

by Vanessa Nicole ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

The darkness surrounds me. On a bus home from work. I stare out the window. It’s 10 pm and there are no street lights. I think about how good it will feel to get into a warm bed and read a book. My headphones blare music. No one on the bus. Just me and the driver. Driving miss daisy.

Soon we have passed the darkest part of the road and I see buildings. Grocery stores, food chains, car dealer ships, gas stations, homes. Everyone living their life. Quietly getting into bed ready for rest. Someone gets on the bus and sits in the back. I look back at them and smile. No response. I turn and face the road. Even at this time of night there are cars. People heading home, heading to the bar, heading to a life I will never see.

I think about work. The long bus rides in the morning and at night. I think about my back injury. How even just sitting on the bus after a long day, I sit in pain. When will this pain stop? When will my life feel normal again? Late nights and some early mornings. No time for the gym, no time for reading, no time for me. No time for my family, no time for my relationship. Just 4 hours on a bus each day. I used to love this bus ride. I listened to podcasts, listened to my music. But it has caught up with me. I’m tired, I’m drained. I’m not myself.

I think to when I got Covid. The many visits to the emergency room and the brain fog that I am now left with. Is this me? I can’t focus, I can’t see. Is this me? The street lights blur together and I wonder when I will feel normal again. When will my life reflect my biggest dreams? What are those dreams? Do I even know anymore? Do I know what I like? What I don’t like? What I would even do if I had free time? Do I even still like the gym? Will I ever be fit again? Will I ever be able to have a short commute to work? Will I ever be able to consistently do a routine? Will I ever develop discipline? Will I ever find what my heart desires? Will I ever go back to that wide eyed little girl? Will I ever get over my traumas? Will I ever look in the mirror and like what I see? Will I ever live up to my own expectations? Will I ever get over my anxiety? Will I ever find peace?

Will I ever?

Happily Ever Woman

Happily Ever Woman

by Vanessa Nicole ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

So today I made a quiet pact with myself to read all of my online writing. So far I’ve made it through all the posts on this blog and on my diary blog Tea With V . I think I needed a reminder of all the good things and good days I had written about. Yes some of the posts include hard times when I was going through anxiety but there are also many posts about high energy and happiness and nights in with my partner.

As I sit at my kitchen table in my little wellness centre, I feel that today has brought me closer to the woman I am becoming. Because I went through all those posts and saw the person I am and what I think about on a daily basis. Yes my past haunts me some days and yes my anxiety got out of control the past few months. But here I am smiling and grateful that today was a great day.

What made it great was that it was a productive day. I got housework done, I watched a movie, I did my skin care routine, I made time for blogging and I made time to reflect on everything I have ever written in the past 6 years.

Tonight I will spend time reading my other two blogs (I have four blogs in total) and just really reflect on where I was then and where I am now. I do the same thing with my social media accounts. I look through the posts and pictures and really take in the beauty that is my life. We spend so much time looking at other people’s lives and seeing their perfectly curated feed. We need to look at our own. Our feeds only show the good times in life so when you need a boost, don’t look through other people’s feeds. Look through your own. To remind you of the picture worthy days of your own life.

I had a rough month of anxiety but I took time today to forget about that and look back at all the moments that have made my life instagramable! And I will continute to reflect in the future. It takes the load of my shoulders and reminds me why I should romanticize my life everyday.

Happily Ever Woman

Happily Ever Woman

by Vanessa Nicole ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

The days pass me by and I observe. My anxiety is high over things easy and mundane. I do not understand the way I feel. I sit at home and my mind spins out. Thinking about what is to come and what I am to become. The path seems foggy and I do not know which way to go or where it will lead. Sometimes I sit there thinking is this it? A life filled with anxiety is ahead of me. But then I remind myself I am stronger than my anxiety. I can push through. I am resilient.

I am sometimes frozen by my past. I think back and feel anxious. What do people think of me. Why can’t I bring that old vibrant me back. Why do I live with this anxiety? Sometimes it’s a hard pill to swallow. Other days, like today, I feel carefree and happy. I see a glimpse of the old me and I get excited. I cook a roast and I write on my blogs. I kiss my partner and my heart skips a beat. That is today. And then I think: today is a good day. And instead of enjoying it I think to tomorrow and hope that it will too be a good day. But I need to practice mindfulness and be happy in the moment. I need to remember who I am and what I love. I need to remember that I am a loveable person and I am worthy and enough.

It’s ok that I romanticize my life. It is how I enjoy the pleasures and the mundane. Sometimes I find the humdrum of life hard and in comes the self doubt. But I am smart and capable. I am strong and resilient. I can be disciplined if I put my mind to it. Life isn’t just about frolicking in flowers but also about rolling around in the mud. That’s the part that sometimes is hard for me. The rolling. But I am getting better at it. And sometimes when I’m frolicking in the flowers I see wasps and I run screaming like a little girl.

Today I make a pact with myself to push through the mud and find the flowers in the everyday. I can’t sit on the corner of my couch filled with anxiety seeing everything that might go wrong in life. When everything right now is perfect. Perfect relationships. Perfect home. Perfect job. Perfect life. Maybe that’s the problem. Perfect is not the word to use. Nothing is perfect. And aiming for perfection will only bring you sorrow. It’s ok to be mediocre. It’s ok to live a mundane life. I yearn for the quiet nights on the couch with my books. I yearn for the moments I finally have something to say and come to my blogs.

I used to yearn for the pub. I wanted my beer after a long days work. Now I yearn for tea. I yearned for the loud music and the dancing, now I yearn for quiet and a coffee shop. I’m no longer the person I once was and that is scary and intimidating. I have tried to be her. I go to the pub and order an alcohol free beer. But it’s not the same. It’s loud and full of drunk people who I don’t resonate with. I’ve been sober for 6 years and it was the easiest decision I ever made. Sometimes I’ll have an alcohol free wine at a party but it’s not a big deal to me. I thought it would be. But I much prefer my flavoured teas like an old english woman at high tea.

So as I sit here I don’t dwell on the past or expect of the future I just let myself be. And now I must remove the roast from the oven and live my mediocre life.

Happily Ever Woman

Happily Ever Woman

by Vanessa Nicole ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

My old notebooks hold a lot of poetry I have written. Some were written by the ocean in St. Martin. Some were written lakeside at my parents cottage in Orillia, Ontario. Some were written in the early hours of the morning when my mind was running and words were spilling out. I’m turning 35 in May and one of my goals for the year is to write and read more poetry. I have always loved poetry and I mention on my blogs a lot about that fact. I bought a few poetry books from Indigo which I plan to read this year. Usually it only takes me an hour or two to get through poetry books. But the words stay with me long after. Rupi Kaur is inspiring to me becaue she made it in the world of literature with poetry when most poets go unpublished.

I can’t wait to pick up these poetry books and read the words while listening to instrumental music. It makes me feel like I’m living in the victorian age or the renaissance. Rupi Kaur has a guided journal that gives you prompts to ponder and then write poems about. I’ve done a few of these and published some on this blog. This blog is meant to be where I dump all my random thoughts or feelings. A lot of times for me that comes out in poetry. Whether my poems are good or bad don’t really phase me. It’s the stream of conciousness writing that I love. Just putting on paper whatever comes to my head. Sometimes they rhyme. Sometimes the sentences are mysterious and only I would be able to intrepret the meaning. Sometimes they go on for pages. I have some poems in my journal that go on for 10 pages. I feel like I was trying to write an epic poem.

I look forward to sharing the poems I write with the Rupi Kaur prompts here. Some of them may be dark because a lot of the prompts ask you to think about trauma’s. The book is supposed to help you heal through words. I feel like it is a great way to understand and work through the thoughts I am left with after my episode of psychosis in August 2022. This was the second episode I’ve had brought on by Covid. My first episode was in 2017 (started in 2016 diagnosed 2017). I am mostly better now but sometimes working through some of the disturbing images and thoughts I had just helps me to feel more mentally well. I am glad to say that this second time around I again was the one to realize I was sick. I am a very self aware person and I make it a priority to always be thinking about how I’m feeling, what kind of thoughts I’m having. That’s why I love my poetry because even when it is cryptic I know exactly what I was thinking reading back the words.

Happily Ever Woman

Happily Ever Woman

by Vanessa Nicole ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

It’s funny that I’ve been sitting around pondering life today. It’s funny because I went to my favourite Youtuber Simply Victoria who is significantly younger than me and she is thinking of the same things. How to better plan her day. She runs us by her morning routine and that’s exactly what I’ve been trying to do. Streamline my life to make it simple but it seems like I can never have simple moment because of my anxiety. Yet when I sit to do my gratitude journal I realize my life is filled with all the simple moments I’ve asked the universe for. I can sit here on my day off with a cup of tea reading about how to streamline my life and that in itself is a simple moment. Soon I will run a bath and do a deep conditioning face mask. That is simple. And simple seems to be something I just fell upon by changing my job and my daily tasks.

Yes, I have resposibilities and chores. I have to pay bills and clean the house. But these things don’t seem stressful to me. I just do them. The anxiety I have all lays in my past and that is gone. It shaped the person I am today and I am grateful for that. Also, cutting coffee out of my routine seems to have ridden me of the anxiety I just need to find a way to be less drowsy in the morning. I believe that will come with time.

Victoria always says to keep it simple and that is going to be my new affirmation for the week. Simple is the best way to live in my opinion. I think it’s the best way to keep a healthy mind. So that’s my words for you today: Keep it simple.

Happily Ever Woman

Happily Ever Woman

by Vanessa Nicole ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I think my love of poetry arose in grade 7 when we were given a poetry project. We each created a miniature book of poems. My mom had sat down at the kitchen table and helped me with the project. I remember getting an A on the assignement and I was happy. When I was introduced to Shakespeare’s Sonnets in high school I fell in love even more. A few months back I went to a used book store and found a copy of all the Sonnets. I had specifically went looking for the collection as I haven’t read them all. This lead me to go looking for other poetry books to add to my library as I’ve missed reading and writing poetry.

In the early 2000’s I had a blog titled Everyday Thoughts. More often than not I would be writing poetry late into the night. I always had a muse or a thought that would turn into the words on the page. Sometimes they were long rambling poems and sometimes they were short and sweet. But I absolutely loved the process of letting the words fall out of me onto the page. I would re-read my ramblings and know exactly how I was feeling at the time no matter how many years passed. It’s been refreshing on this blog to explore that part of me. I’m a little rusty but with time and practice I believe the passion will come through as it used to.

Poetry is a beautiful form of self expression. There are so many bloggers that share their poetry and I love reading it. Trying to feel the feelings they are expressing. That’s why I love music. To me it’s a form of poetry. I listen to a song not only for the beat, I really listen to the words and see what resonates with me. I have my old favourites that bring me back to younger years. And I’m always discovering new music that shows me different aspects of myself.

I look forward to this year of poetry. Reading and writing it.