Happily Ever Woman

Happily Ever Woman

This is where I come to braindump. The poems that I think of, the rambles that I have. But it’s hard to come and be so open online. I did it once in the past and then panicked. I wrote out my feelings in a long post and a number of posts that followed. And I just couldn’t keep my blogs anymore because they were triggering psychosis… delusional thinking. What I wrote wasn’t delusions but what I thought would happen because I wrote those posts were delusions or “intrusive” thoughts.

So how can I be real with you right now? I’ve been thinking about the past a lot this week. Probably because I had a lot of idle time while I was recovering from being sick. And I think that everything had to happen the way it did to get me here and to give me the idea for my next book Psychosis and Me. I think it’s going to be interesting for people to get into my mind. What I was thinking while I was delusional and things I did. It’s a memoir of sorts. I’m really excited to write this book and I realized I wouldn’t be able to if this hadn’t happen to me.

I remember when I got to the hospital January 2017 and they were convinced I was on drugs. They took blood and realized I wasn’t on anything I was just sick. I was delusional and scared of everything. It was a weird state to be in. But I hope my book helps people understand a little bit about psychosis and mental illness. And I hope people with psychosis read it. My therapist told me maybe one day I would write a book that will help people feel seen who have been through this. I plan to send her a copy. Maybe they will distribute it at the hospital programs I was in. It’s exciting to think about. It definitely made life hard. It definitely made life interesting. And I’m a new person because of it. I found my way back to myself through psychosis.

I’ve lived through a lot of things. And I plan on sharing this one piece of me with you. I’ll share the book here when it’s done. I hope you like it!

Happily Ever Woman

Happily Ever Woman

You wake up

Sun streaming through the window

Curtains just a crack open

You take a breath in

Turn off your alarm

Another day

You get up and stretch

Coffee brewing

A sweet aroma fills the room

You smile and sit at the table

You sip your coffee in silence

Thinking of things you are grateful for

Calm

At peace

You take out your journal

Or maybe 5

And write out your morning thoughts

Your affirmations

Your dreams

And you brush and floss

Wash your face

Do your makeup

And smile in the mirror

Looking at the reflection

You see beauty

You are happy

Smiling

And you realize

You want to feel this way

Your whole life

Confidence

Happiness

Calmness

Relaxed

And you realize

This is you

And you don’t know when

But you’ve arrived

To where you thought you dreamed of

Just yesterday

Lazing on a beach chair

Reading a book

Thinking about life

The dreams you have

The promises you made to yourself

And you know

You can come through for yourself

You can step up to the plate

And change your life

Because you deserve

A beautiful life

Happily Ever Woman

Happily Ever Woman

Who is THAT GIRL?

She is you

Appreciating each day

Living each day

Doing the things that make you grow

Noticing the little things to be grateful for

Who is THAT GIRL?

She is me at the gym working out

She is me writing

She is me journaling

She is me walking

She is me relaxing

She is me in a hot bubble bath

She is me reading… in bed, on the couch, on the beach, in a coffee shop, at the park

THAT GIRL IS ME

THAT GIRL IS US

THAT GIRL

We can all be THAT GIRL

Through authenticity

Through leaning in

Through loving your life

Through generosity

Through gratitude

Be YOU

Be HER

Happily Ever Woman

Happily Ever Woman

Pain

Pain makes you stronger

Pain makes you resilient

Pain is a part of life

I’ve come to like pain

I’ve come to appreciate pain

I’ve come to realize

I can overcome pain

I’ve come to realize

Pain isn’t the end

No pain, no gain

I sat for months in pain

Injured back

No movement

Just me

And pain

And tears

And it made new pain more tolerable

It made me realize I can tolerate a lot of pain

I can push through the pain

And come out the other side stronger

I push through the tough workouts

I push through the physical aches

And I live

Stronger

Happier

More resilient

And that pain

That I had to endure

Made me brilliant

Happily Ever Woman

Happily Ever Woman

So a lot of my posts lately have been about self improvement, self love, choosing yourself. It’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately since I’ve been focusing on my goals for 2025. So my question is do you choose yourself? Do you take the necessary steps to become the person you know you are deep down?

There is this song Devil Inside by CRMNL. It is about all of us having a little bit of evil inside “tearing you apart in the middle of the night.” I like this song because to me it unites us all. We all have made mistakes. We all have regrets. But they don’t have to dictate who you can be now or in the future. You can become a different person, a better person. You can make a list of the values you want to embody and then move forward living in this new way. Change is a part of life. And if we aren’t changing then we aren’t growing. I don’t want to be the same person at 40 as I was at 25. Not to say you can’t start over. If you want to change your career or change your path at 40 that doesn’t make you a failure. To me that makes you brave. You know the life you made isn’t working for you anymore and you take the steps to become the person you now want to be.

I’ve made many mistakes in my life. And I could sit in bed and cry about them or be stubborn and stay stuck in my old ways. Stay stuck in my old belief system that this is who I am and nothing can change that. The truth is YOU can change that. You have the power to change your life everyday by just taking one small step. Whatever that step is for you depends on the life you secretly dream of for yourself. At 36 I’m back at the person I was at 17. I said that on one of my other blogs. But that doesn’t mean I’m the same naive person and unexperienced person. It just means I re-realized my dreams. I reconnected with that younger version of myself and found there was a lot to love about her. And I wanted to bring some of that back into my current reality. I try and channel her. Her energy, her aura, her light. And she was me… she is me. So that energy has always been within me.

I’m not afraid to look at my past and say hey that isn’t the way I want to live now. That isn’t who I am at my core. I made bad decisions… I went through some hard times… I hurt people… I was hurt by people… but I can live better today. I can be THAT GIRL. And for me THAT GIRL is the person that I envisioned myself becoming when I was 17. Maybe that picture is a little bit different now. There are new goals to be added, lessons I learned that changed my perspective. But the overall arching theme of being loving to myself and to others and being authentic and not letting peoples opinions affect me is really what I want for myself. Journaling, working out, meditating, reading… these are things I’ve done my whole life. Maybe not always consistently but they are things that are important to me. Writing for myself, on my blogs, writing a novel… these are things I always saw myself doing. And sometimes that devil inside comes up. I have a negative thought… I’m angry about something… I’m remembering something from the past. But the difference is I turn inwards to my light and change what I’m thinking. I live in love. And it is really beautiful.

Happily Ever Woman

Happily Ever Woman

No one can control us

We make our own choices

We carve our own path

We live the life we make

We can’t control what happens to us

We can control how we react

We can control what we do with what life gives us

And you can turn something ugly and make it yours

“Bring it on”

You can do hard things

You can push on

You can survive

And live

And see happy days again

You can smile

You can laugh

You can let it roll off your shoulders

You can shrug and say

“So What?”

Just another day

And you choose how you will live today

You choose how you view life

Negative?

Positive?

A choice

I choose life

I choose me

I choose to smile

“grin and bear it”

Sometimes I will cry

Sometimes life will get me down

And I’ll spend the day in bed

But I will get back up

And choose life

I choose life

I choose you

Happily Ever Woman

Happily Ever Woman

Nights

Looking for you

On the street

Hiding from the world

Sitting in a dark room

Lyrics that speak to me

I’m the wrong girl

I’m the light fading away

I’m the one that got away

Away from the devil

Away from the dark

Away from a black heart

Black black black nights

A love affair or two

Finding something

While I was waiting for you

Finding darkness

Pleasure and pain

Finding myself

Writing in vain

Broken to pieces

Shattered on the floor

Picked up one at a time

Creating a door

A door you came to

And opened wide

A door you took

With every stride

You strode into my heart

Even though we spent years apart

I have years now with you

I write about us two

How you take my breath away

How I see you everyday

First thing in the morning

Last thing at night

My heart flutters

I know this is right

And in the darkness

I come through

A new version

And now

I’m with you

Happily Ever Woman

Happily Ever Woman

I can’t tell you something that isn’t real

My heart bleeds out

Like the words on a page

My feelings

Coming out

And then blowing away

In a wind

That forever blows

The words fall out

The feelings come

And then they pass

Like time

Like the perfect crime

The days pass

The clock ticks

And my heart opens again

Once more

I open up the door

To my soul

To my heart

Always wanting

A fresh start

Me and you

Just us two

A start that comes everyday

A start that hasn’t faded away

The love I feel

Everyday

Flowing out of me

Never met anyone

Like you before

For you

I opened my door

And you kept me safe

You kissed my forehead

You layed in my bed

And I found you

Unexpectedly

You changed my perspective

Touched my heart

Put me together

When I fell apart

You held out your hand

Lovingly

And I took it

At first reluctantly

But now you shine

Life into me

A new vision

For the future is clear

Just you and me

Here

Living life

A vision so bright

I smile each morning

I wake up next to you

And smile

At all the little things you do

The words fall out of my mouth

So freely

And it’s only you I see

When I look through the window

And into my soul

You have touched me

In ways you’ll never know

And it scares me

How free I feel

How different I am

Than before

Since you came knocking

At my door

So grateful

So loved

So graceful

Like the wings of a dove

Flapping through the air

Flying with no care

I look down

And see the world

See the girl

That I used to be

Come to life

Inside of me

Inside out

From the rooftops

I shout

That we are together

Forevermore

To my old life

I close the door

A fresh chapter

A starting page

Ready for a new story

A new day

And you take my breath away