Sipping tea
Writing words
Sitting in silence
Jotting down thoughts
Living in memories
Silently staying strong
Walking down the street
Singing my favourite song
The world sleeps
I type away
And I celebrate
The start of a new day
The rest of my life
Tag: mental-health
Happily Ever Woman
I think of fixtures
Gold
Brass
Silver
The different fixtures in my life
The habits I have
The people I see
The places I go
And my goal is to make these fixtures
My favourite
Trending right now is gold
But I want silver
Silver is me
Silver is passion
Silver is stability
Silver is greatness
And this are the things
That describes the fixtures in my life
Happily Ever Woman
In the quiet moments
I sit a ponder
The events that just passed
The hardship
The tears
The love
And I made it through
Through another storm
Life ebbs and flows
And sometimes I crave
The silent moments
Between the chaos
Where I can be me
No apology
And forget about
Everything else
Happily Ever Woman
This is where I come to braindump. The poems that I think of, the rambles that I have. But it’s hard to come and be so open online. I did it once in the past and then panicked. I wrote out my feelings in a long post and a number of posts that followed. And I just couldn’t keep my blogs anymore because they were triggering psychosis… delusional thinking. What I wrote wasn’t delusions but what I thought would happen because I wrote those posts were delusions or “intrusive” thoughts.
So how can I be real with you right now? I’ve been thinking about the past a lot this week. Probably because I had a lot of idle time while I was recovering from being sick. And I think that everything had to happen the way it did to get me here and to give me the idea for my next book Psychosis and Me. I think it’s going to be interesting for people to get into my mind. What I was thinking while I was delusional and things I did. It’s a memoir of sorts. I’m really excited to write this book and I realized I wouldn’t be able to if this hadn’t happen to me.
I remember when I got to the hospital January 2017 and they were convinced I was on drugs. They took blood and realized I wasn’t on anything I was just sick. I was delusional and scared of everything. It was a weird state to be in. But I hope my book helps people understand a little bit about psychosis and mental illness. And I hope people with psychosis read it. My therapist told me maybe one day I would write a book that will help people feel seen who have been through this. I plan to send her a copy. Maybe they will distribute it at the hospital programs I was in. It’s exciting to think about. It definitely made life hard. It definitely made life interesting. And I’m a new person because of it. I found my way back to myself through psychosis.
I’ve lived through a lot of things. And I plan on sharing this one piece of me with you. I’ll share the book here when it’s done. I hope you like it!
Happily Ever Woman
So a lot of my posts lately have been about self improvement, self love, choosing yourself. It’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately since I’ve been focusing on my goals for 2025. So my question is do you choose yourself? Do you take the necessary steps to become the person you know you are deep down?
There is this song Devil Inside by CRMNL. It is about all of us having a little bit of evil inside “tearing you apart in the middle of the night.” I like this song because to me it unites us all. We all have made mistakes. We all have regrets. But they don’t have to dictate who you can be now or in the future. You can become a different person, a better person. You can make a list of the values you want to embody and then move forward living in this new way. Change is a part of life. And if we aren’t changing then we aren’t growing. I don’t want to be the same person at 40 as I was at 25. Not to say you can’t start over. If you want to change your career or change your path at 40 that doesn’t make you a failure. To me that makes you brave. You know the life you made isn’t working for you anymore and you take the steps to become the person you now want to be.
I’ve made many mistakes in my life. And I could sit in bed and cry about them or be stubborn and stay stuck in my old ways. Stay stuck in my old belief system that this is who I am and nothing can change that. The truth is YOU can change that. You have the power to change your life everyday by just taking one small step. Whatever that step is for you depends on the life you secretly dream of for yourself. At 36 I’m back at the person I was at 17. I said that on one of my other blogs. But that doesn’t mean I’m the same naive person and unexperienced person. It just means I re-realized my dreams. I reconnected with that younger version of myself and found there was a lot to love about her. And I wanted to bring some of that back into my current reality. I try and channel her. Her energy, her aura, her light. And she was me… she is me. So that energy has always been within me.
I’m not afraid to look at my past and say hey that isn’t the way I want to live now. That isn’t who I am at my core. I made bad decisions… I went through some hard times… I hurt people… I was hurt by people… but I can live better today. I can be THAT GIRL. And for me THAT GIRL is the person that I envisioned myself becoming when I was 17. Maybe that picture is a little bit different now. There are new goals to be added, lessons I learned that changed my perspective. But the overall arching theme of being loving to myself and to others and being authentic and not letting peoples opinions affect me is really what I want for myself. Journaling, working out, meditating, reading… these are things I’ve done my whole life. Maybe not always consistently but they are things that are important to me. Writing for myself, on my blogs, writing a novel… these are things I always saw myself doing. And sometimes that devil inside comes up. I have a negative thought… I’m angry about something… I’m remembering something from the past. But the difference is I turn inwards to my light and change what I’m thinking. I live in love. And it is really beautiful.
Happily Ever Woman 