In the quiet moments
I sit a ponder
The events that just passed
The hardship
The tears
The love
And I made it through
Through another storm
Life ebbs and flows
And sometimes I crave
The silent moments
Between the chaos
Where I can be me
No apology
And forget about
Everything else
I live in the constraints of time. We each only have 24 hours in a day so the question then becomes what do you want to do in that 24 hours? We must work. Me must clean. We must eat. But what else must we do? For me I must work out. I must journal. I must write. I must read. And I must move the needle towards my life goals. Now that I’m healthy these musts seem more doable. I’ve had a streak of motivation that I’ve been riding out. Writing each night and really thinking about what I want. It’s easy for me to work towards my dreams because I don’t have children. It was something I decided after having psychosis that the path of motherhood wasn’t for me. And I wish I could say it was a hard decision. It made me sad. But really I feel indifferent. Don’t get me wrong I love kids. And I get along well with kids. But it’s not in the cards for me. And that’s ok. Not everyone is meant for the same path. Not everyone is meant to be a parent. There are other things I can work towards that will be fulfilling. Like writing a novel. I’m over 13,000 words in and I can’t believe how the story is coming together. I can see a finished book in the near future and it excites me.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s hard on my mom that I don’t want to have children. She won’t get to be a grandma because my sister has decided also not to have kids but for different reasons than me. I feel like I’ve let my mom down sometimes. That the life she chose is not the one I am choosing. But she is a great mother. Yes we had our differences. When I was younger we fought. But that is typical of any household. And the relationship I have with my mom now is very beautiful and I’m happy we have gotten to such a good place.
Happily Ever Woman. It’s a title I came up with to express my love of growing old. With each year I come more into myself and I get stronger and more resilient. I have white hairs and a peaceful life. It’s something I wanted when I was younger. And I’m always brought back to that one moment at the bar. Where I said to someone “I should be at home in bed with a book,” it was 2am I think and I was wishing I had my own place. I was waiting for it to be built and it felt like forever. Like I would never be an adult and get out of my parents house. I love my parents to death but we aren’t meant to stay with them forever. We have to move out. Become our own person and make life our own. And I longed for that. For a space of my own. For independence. And I’ve found it. I can’t believe I’ve lived here for almost 7 years. It will be 7 years in May. I remember when it felt like I would never be here and now the time has flown by. And now I live with my partner and spend my nights reading and working out. We watch shows together and eat together and cook together. And it’s a very different life then I was living 8 years ago. It’s the life I envisioned. And I think it turned out better then I could have imagined.
It will be 7 years with my partner in February and I just can’t believe I met him. I met him after a year of deciding to no longer have alcohol as part of my lifestyle. I met him a year after my diagnosis of psychosis. I met him a year after telling myself I was going to wait a year before I started dating. In January 2018 I started using dating apps again. Mostly bumble and I went on some really bad dates. And then a friend of mine told me she knew someone who she thought I would like. So I went to a board game night at her house and I met Leith. Everyone stepped outside to smoke and it was just Leith and I left in the apartment to talk. And I knew I wanted to get to know him. And now it is 7 years later and we live this life together. In June we will have lived together for 6 years and I just can’t believe how the time has flown by. I can’t believe the life I have made for myself.
There have been ups and downs the past 7 years. My mom had cancer. I had a back injury. I got covid and it triggered my psychosis to come back. I had to deal with covid brain fog for almost a year. I had to make the decision to leave a job I loved because it was just to far from home and wasn’t a feasible for the long term. I had to deal with some anxious days when my anxiety flared up. But so much good things happened too. I went on so many amazing dates with my partner and my mom beat cancer. I worked at a bookstore for a year and loved the experience. I lost 69 pounds. I traveled to Jamaica and was by the ocean again. We went to the beach and I watched so many sunsets from my balcony. I read so many good books and implemented so many new habits into my life. I spent months doing an early morning practice with my friend Mira where we would meet up on zoom at 6am, meditate, journal, listen to an inspiring YouTube video. And it really got me thinking about my morning routine. I’m fit again. Lifting weights at the gym and able to do the treadmill. Someone bought my book off of Amazon and messaged me to let me know they got it and enjoyed it which reignited my desire to write my novel Skylet.
So here we are. It’s 2025. The start of a new year. And I reflect on all that has changed for me the past 8 years. And I live in gratitude. I am thankful for this life. I am thankful for my home, my partner, my family, my view off the balcony, the beautiful snowy days and the heat from the sun in the summer. I am thankful for more time with my mom. I am thankful for nights in with my partner just being. And I am thankful for so much more. I hope you find something to be thankful for in your life. There are ups and downs but life really is beautiful if you make it.
I’ve found renewed energy for my creative outlets. My novel Skylet is up to almost 10,000 words. I am on chapter 10. I’ve promised myself to work on it each night at least writing one chapter. I also have been steady at the gym since April, I’ve lost 69 pounds with diet and exercise. I started a new job at a Quartz company and am really happy with the move. I work with a great team of people and really enjoy my job. I do a lot of different things that keeps me busy and productive. And my hours are perfect, 9:30-4:30. Usually I show up by 9:10 make my coffee and check my emails before I start the day. So much has changed for me this year and I know it’s because I’ve practiced discipline. Discipline with the gym, discpline with my diet, discipline with my journaling and discipline with getting enough sleep. I’ve read 32 books this year and had so many precious moments with my partner, family and friends.
I think this renewed energy in my creativity is because of my new routines. They have added so much value and calm to my day. I’m doing all the things and feel energized, not burnt out. Exercising has renewed my energy and my strength. Losing weight has made such a different on my joints. I feel young again. I still have some lingering nerve pain but it’s down to such a minimum that I don’t notice it most of the time.
I try and listen to motivation YouTube videos and watch lifestyle YouTubers to romanticize an active, healthy lifestyle. Most days I do 11,000 plus steps on top of my workout. Like the song says “I’m feelin myself.” And all it took was taking the first step. First I went to the doctor and got the instructions on how I should be eating as someone with PCOS. I picked my favourite foods and easiest foods to make and started eating only these foods. I started with a few days at the gym and now do 4 or 5. Days I don’t go to the gym I still get in 11,000 plus steps. This is because of my walk in to work from the bus which I really enjoy and am grateful I get half my steps in early in the morning. And that is what I want to say to you reader. All it takes is that first step. How did I write a chapter a day? I opened my computer and wrote one sentence. I promised myslef I would make headway in my novel by writing everyday. Not everyday has to be good. But putting the words down and getting the story to move is how I will complete the book.
A girl from my high school just recently bought my short story off of Amazon. She messaged me to congratulate me on publishing a book and to let me know she bought a copy. I was at first self concious because I wrote this short inner dialouge at such a young age that I don’t know how it will be taken. But I’ve since realized I needed to publish this book good or not to put myself out there and achieve my goal. With every word I write I become a better writer. And taking that step at such a young age is such an accomplishment and this girl who bought my book reminded me of that.
So now I will go make a coconute matcha latte and maybe watch one of my YouTuber’s before going to sleep.
So today I made a quiet pact with myself to read all of my online writing. So far I’ve made it through all the posts on this blog and on my diary blog Tea With V . I think I needed a reminder of all the good things and good days I had written about. Yes some of the posts include hard times when I was going through anxiety but there are also many posts about high energy and happiness and nights in with my partner.
As I sit at my kitchen table in my little wellness centre, I feel that today has brought me closer to the woman I am becoming. Because I went through all those posts and saw the person I am and what I think about on a daily basis. Yes my past haunts me some days and yes my anxiety got out of control the past few months. But here I am smiling and grateful that today was a great day.
What made it great was that it was a productive day. I got housework done, I watched a movie, I did my skin care routine, I made time for blogging and I made time to reflect on everything I have ever written in the past 6 years.
Tonight I will spend time reading my other two blogs (I have four blogs in total) and just really reflect on where I was then and where I am now. I do the same thing with my social media accounts. I look through the posts and pictures and really take in the beauty that is my life. We spend so much time looking at other people’s lives and seeing their perfectly curated feed. We need to look at our own. Our feeds only show the good times in life so when you need a boost, don’t look through other people’s feeds. Look through your own. To remind you of the picture worthy days of your own life.
I had a rough month of anxiety but I took time today to forget about that and look back at all the moments that have made my life instagramable! And I will continute to reflect in the future. It takes the load of my shoulders and reminds me why I should romanticize my life everyday.
The days pass me by and I observe. My anxiety is high over things easy and mundane. I do not understand the way I feel. I sit at home and my mind spins out. Thinking about what is to come and what I am to become. The path seems foggy and I do not know which way to go or where it will lead. Sometimes I sit there thinking is this it? A life filled with anxiety is ahead of me. But then I remind myself I am stronger than my anxiety. I can push through. I am resilient.
I am sometimes frozen by my past. I think back and feel anxious. What do people think of me. Why can’t I bring that old vibrant me back. Why do I live with this anxiety? Sometimes it’s a hard pill to swallow. Other days, like today, I feel carefree and happy. I see a glimpse of the old me and I get excited. I cook a roast and I write on my blogs. I kiss my partner and my heart skips a beat. That is today. And then I think: today is a good day. And instead of enjoying it I think to tomorrow and hope that it will too be a good day. But I need to practice mindfulness and be happy in the moment. I need to remember who I am and what I love. I need to remember that I am a loveable person and I am worthy and enough.
It’s ok that I romanticize my life. It is how I enjoy the pleasures and the mundane. Sometimes I find the humdrum of life hard and in comes the self doubt. But I am smart and capable. I am strong and resilient. I can be disciplined if I put my mind to it. Life isn’t just about frolicking in flowers but also about rolling around in the mud. That’s the part that sometimes is hard for me. The rolling. But I am getting better at it. And sometimes when I’m frolicking in the flowers I see wasps and I run screaming like a little girl.
Today I make a pact with myself to push through the mud and find the flowers in the everyday. I can’t sit on the corner of my couch filled with anxiety seeing everything that might go wrong in life. When everything right now is perfect. Perfect relationships. Perfect home. Perfect job. Perfect life. Maybe that’s the problem. Perfect is not the word to use. Nothing is perfect. And aiming for perfection will only bring you sorrow. It’s ok to be mediocre. It’s ok to live a mundane life. I yearn for the quiet nights on the couch with my books. I yearn for the moments I finally have something to say and come to my blogs.
I used to yearn for the pub. I wanted my beer after a long days work. Now I yearn for tea. I yearned for the loud music and the dancing, now I yearn for quiet and a coffee shop. I’m no longer the person I once was and that is scary and intimidating. I have tried to be her. I go to the pub and order an alcohol free beer. But it’s not the same. It’s loud and full of drunk people who I don’t resonate with. I’ve been sober for 6 years and it was the easiest decision I ever made. Sometimes I’ll have an alcohol free wine at a party but it’s not a big deal to me. I thought it would be. But I much prefer my flavoured teas like an old english woman at high tea.
So as I sit here I don’t dwell on the past or expect of the future I just let myself be. And now I must remove the roast from the oven and live my mediocre life.
I had started this blog with the idea that it would be a place for all my musings along with my fashion posts. But I recently left the fashion industry and went back to the health industry (I worked in this industry 2013-2014). My fashion posts won’t be as frequent but it is still something that I am deeply interested in. Not the runway fashion, but I like looking at what people on the street are wearing. It was such a difference going downtown Toronto today and seeing the fashion down there. Most girls are still wearing Mom jeans and I don’t understand why because they give the body no shape. Crop tops are in now that the weather is getting warmer, but even when I was thinner I never got into the trend.
I’ve worked in the fashion industry at retail level in three different stores. I worked at Le Chateau, The Shoe Company and Reitmans. I loved seeing the new styles and colours that were coming in and always had to have the latest look. But recently I did a clean out of my closet and donated 4 garbage bags filled to the brim of clothes. When I took stock of my closet I realized without even knowing it I had aged myself with the clothes I was choosing to wear and this was because of the size of my body. I wanted to hide in my clothes. Also, the fashion that is available to heavier women is not the same as slimmer women. Plus some of the trends are catered to a slimmer body type. Now that I’ve lost some weight I got rid of the aging pieces and really only kept clothes that reflect my personal style. I love wearing blouses wit skinny jeans or dress pants. I love wearing tank blouses with thin sweaters. I have one pair of flare jeans that I love. I’m so happy flare is coming back in because I just love how they look on me.
Even though I’ve left the fashion industry I still have love for it. It was a hard decision to make to leave my job because I loved my team and I loved the clothes but it just wasn’t working for me. The commute was 2-2 1/2 hours one way. I felt drained from long days and had no life of my own. I was so burnt out and feeling tired made me anxious. I was also still suffering from Covid brain fog which made it difficult for me to function normally. I took a week off after leaving before I started job searching. I wanted something close to home that had a short commute and was in an industry that I am interested in. This new job is a five minute bus ride away or a 20 minute walk. It’s in the health and wellness industry which has always been a passion of mine. I like being surrounded by products I support and would personally use. I’ve started some of the supplements I am selling at work and I really see a change in my energy level, chronic pain levels and just overall mood.
Now that my closet is cleaned out I need to work on my dressers. That is the next clean out project. I can actually see what clothes I own now and there is room for the hangers. Before the hangers were on top of each other and every other day I was breaking hangers trying to get tops out of the closet. I also have so many purses but there are none I want to get rid of. I love having a big bag to carry my books, my day planner and anything else I need. I also recently bought a little book to keep in my purse for daily musings. Sometimes I get blog ideas but by the time I get home I’ve forgotten them because I had no where to write them down. I used to always carry a notebook with me for this reason.
It’s funny that I have all these nice clothes but I wear a uniform to work now. I like that I have a uniform because it means one less thing to worry about in the morning. My outfits can be saved for special occasions and nights or days on the town. My friend Fil keeps saying she is excited for this chapter of my life. And I love that. How she looks at life as separate chapters. If you have a bad chapter you just move on to the next one as best you can. Being a reader this way of looking at life makes sense to me and resonates with how I view life. Maybe one day I’ll write a memoir and my life really will be in chapters.
I think my love of poetry arose in grade 7 when we were given a poetry project. We each created a miniature book of poems. My mom had sat down at the kitchen table and helped me with the project. I remember getting an A on the assignement and I was happy. When I was introduced to Shakespeare’s Sonnets in high school I fell in love even more. A few months back I went to a used book store and found a copy of all the Sonnets. I had specifically went looking for the collection as I haven’t read them all. This lead me to go looking for other poetry books to add to my library as I’ve missed reading and writing poetry.
In the early 2000’s I had a blog titled Everyday Thoughts. More often than not I would be writing poetry late into the night. I always had a muse or a thought that would turn into the words on the page. Sometimes they were long rambling poems and sometimes they were short and sweet. But I absolutely loved the process of letting the words fall out of me onto the page. I would re-read my ramblings and know exactly how I was feeling at the time no matter how many years passed. It’s been refreshing on this blog to explore that part of me. I’m a little rusty but with time and practice I believe the passion will come through as it used to.
Poetry is a beautiful form of self expression. There are so many bloggers that share their poetry and I love reading it. Trying to feel the feelings they are expressing. That’s why I love music. To me it’s a form of poetry. I listen to a song not only for the beat, I really listen to the words and see what resonates with me. I have my old favourites that bring me back to younger years. And I’m always discovering new music that shows me different aspects of myself.
I look forward to this year of poetry. Reading and writing it.
Happily Ever Woman 