I live in the constraints of time. We each only have 24 hours in a day so the question then becomes what do you want to do in that 24 hours? We must work. Me must clean. We must eat. But what else must we do? For me I must work out. I must journal. I must write. I must read. And I must move the needle towards my life goals. Now that I’m healthy these musts seem more doable. I’ve had a streak of motivation that I’ve been riding out. Writing each night and really thinking about what I want. It’s easy for me to work towards my dreams because I don’t have children. It was something I decided after having psychosis that the path of motherhood wasn’t for me. And I wish I could say it was a hard decision. It made me sad. But really I feel indifferent. Don’t get me wrong I love kids. And I get along well with kids. But it’s not in the cards for me. And that’s ok. Not everyone is meant for the same path. Not everyone is meant to be a parent. There are other things I can work towards that will be fulfilling. Like writing a novel. I’m over 13,000 words in and I can’t believe how the story is coming together. I can see a finished book in the near future and it excites me.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s hard on my mom that I don’t want to have children. She won’t get to be a grandma because my sister has decided also not to have kids but for different reasons than me. I feel like I’ve let my mom down sometimes. That the life she chose is not the one I am choosing. But she is a great mother. Yes we had our differences. When I was younger we fought. But that is typical of any household. And the relationship I have with my mom now is very beautiful and I’m happy we have gotten to such a good place.

Happily Ever Woman. It’s a title I came up with to express my love of growing old. With each year I come more into myself and I get stronger and more resilient. I have white hairs and a peaceful life. It’s something I wanted when I was younger. And I’m always brought back to that one moment at the bar. Where I said to someone “I should be at home in bed with a book,” it was 2am I think and I was wishing I had my own place. I was waiting for it to be built and it felt like forever. Like I would never be an adult and get out of my parents house. I love my parents to death but we aren’t meant to stay with them forever. We have to move out. Become our own person and make life our own. And I longed for that. For a space of my own. For independence. And I’ve found it. I can’t believe I’ve lived here for almost 7 years. It will be 7 years in May. I remember when it felt like I would never be here and now the time has flown by. And now I live with my partner and spend my nights reading and working out. We watch shows together and eat together and cook together. And it’s a very different life then I was living 8 years ago. It’s the life I envisioned. And I think it turned out better then I could have imagined.

It will be 7 years with my partner in February and I just can’t believe I met him. I met him after a year of deciding to no longer have alcohol as part of my lifestyle. I met him a year after my diagnosis of psychosis. I met him a year after telling myself I was going to wait a year before I started dating. In January 2018 I started using dating apps again. Mostly bumble and I went on some really bad dates. And then a friend of mine told me she knew someone who she thought I would like. So I went to a board game night at her house and I met Leith. Everyone stepped outside to smoke and it was just Leith and I left in the apartment to talk. And I knew I wanted to get to know him. And now it is 7 years later and we live this life together. In June we will have lived together for 6 years and I just can’t believe how the time has flown by. I can’t believe the life I have made for myself.

There have been ups and downs the past 7 years. My mom had cancer. I had a back injury. I got covid and it triggered my psychosis to come back. I had to deal with covid brain fog for almost a year. I had to make the decision to leave a job I loved because it was just to far from home and wasn’t a feasible for the long term. I had to deal with some anxious days when my anxiety flared up. But so much good things happened too. I went on so many amazing dates with my partner and my mom beat cancer. I worked at a bookstore for a year and loved the experience. I lost 69 pounds. I traveled to Jamaica and was by the ocean again. We went to the beach and I watched so many sunsets from my balcony. I read so many good books and implemented so many new habits into my life. I spent months doing an early morning practice with my friend Mira where we would meet up on zoom at 6am, meditate, journal, listen to an inspiring YouTube video. And it really got me thinking about my morning routine. I’m fit again. Lifting weights at the gym and able to do the treadmill. Someone bought my book off of Amazon and messaged me to let me know they got it and enjoyed it which reignited my desire to write my novel Skylet.

So here we are. It’s 2025. The start of a new year. And I reflect on all that has changed for me the past 8 years. And I live in gratitude. I am thankful for this life. I am thankful for my home, my partner, my family, my view off the balcony, the beautiful snowy days and the heat from the sun in the summer. I am thankful for more time with my mom. I am thankful for nights in with my partner just being. And I am thankful for so much more. I hope you find something to be thankful for in your life. There are ups and downs but life really is beautiful if you make it.